Ok let me set the scene.....(dreamy harp music)
It's the afternoon and I'm in the kitchen with the baby. Mammy walks in.
Mammy: Well, I have a proposition for you.
Jen: What is it?
Mam: Will you go away with me somewhere?
Mam: I really want to go away somewhere will you take me to Italy?
Jen: I don't think so Mam, I don't have long left at home like, and I want to stay here.
Mam: (dramatic injured face) oh....ok......
Jen: (winces as a giant pang of guilt stabs her in the heart) I mean I'm leaving anyway so I dont want to go anywhere, plus I have no money (pleased with her iron-clad excuse)
Mam: Well we can go to Pavia, we can see what it's like - I'll pay for everything!
Jen: (backed into a corner) Yeah ok.
So I mean it goes without saying I love my mudder to bits, I'd do anything for her etc etc, so one might deduce that I would enjoy spending time with her. Of course I would. In theory. In practice, however......
But shur look, I says to myself, it'll be grand. I don't really want to go because I don't have long left at home and I want to spend it with the baby, but Mammy really wants a holiday so I just think what harm shur, it'll be grand, and after all, she is paying for it....
Fast forward to a week later, and I'm pushing the buggy up the road with Mammy in tow.
"Jennie," she says.
"You know that holiday we're going on nect week?"
"That's your Christmas present, ok?"
So anyway the deed has been done and I'm back now. 5 days and nights of undiluted Mammy. Now I love her, but ANYONE would wreck your head after that amount of time. We had a laugh alright, particularly when she was asleep and I put my foot on her face and she told me to "fuck off you dirty bitch", but even the little things she was doing were starting to get to me, like never walking next to me, choosing instead to walk 10 paces behind me at all times, like an Iraqi wife, as my sister would say. Not to mention that after she snoring the night away, I turn over like a delicate princess and she tells me to "stop horsing around in the bed". Horsing around in the bed. WTF like. I mean, nigga please! Of course now I was probably wreckin her head even more cos I was a ball of stress for the whole holiday, thinkin of all the things I had to do when I got home and the NO time I had to do them in!
And I warned her that from the second we got off the plane everyone would be staring at us. "I won't mind them - I'll just smile at them" she said, ire-givingly. Well we got off the plane and of course, everyone's eyes were out on stalks staring at our other-worldly beauty. "Jesus Christ", she says, "you'd swear we had two heads." Well I wasn't going to be the one to tell her that yes, we did, in fact, have two heads between us.
Mammies lads, what are they like? And shur what would we be like without them? Shur God love them like, they're only small.
EDIT: Lads, in the end I was SO glad I went over with Mammy! It was great to know exactly what I was doing and where I was going when I got over here on my own with all my baggage. And shur now I'm over here and I have all my friends but there's no one as good as your Mammy now is there? I love you Mammy!