Week Seven

Oh Mary mother of God. I haven’t been this sick in a long time. However, as a result, I haven’t been this skinny in a long time, so it’s alright by me. And somewhere between picking me up off the floor and force feeding me dinners NDN (Next Door Neighbour), ceased to be my NDN and became my BBB (Big Brown Boyfriend). All well and good but Eddie is breathing down the back of my neck like nobody’s business!

Monday 16^th Nov

Today was rough out, boy. Woke up with the usual burn in my stomach and took my tablets in the (vain) hope of finding some relief but holy god by 12 o clock I was crippled in agony. I just lay on the bed watching episodes of Dexter but by 3 o clock I swear to god I couldn’t take it any more.

You know when you’re really sick and you’re in so much pain that you actually go a bit mental? Well I was right there. You start having them black and white waking dreams about going on the waltzers in Tramore.

The pain was such that I was like “I think I might just die instead of going through this.” And what’s more I was SWEATING, I must have been a million degrees. So I went over to the window and opened it wide letting the blast of Baltic November air blow in on me. Then I said to myself shur Ill have a little lie down on these lovely cool tiles. I’ll just lie down a have a little die for myself, like.

I don’t know what happened then or how long I was lying there for but the next thing BBB came bustin in the door and picked me up off the floor.

“Jesus Christ look at the state of you!” he goes.

Then he put me on the bed and started ransacking my room. Why? Why, I hear you ask? Lads this is so funny. The poor child thought I was after taking an overdose or something and he was looking around for evidence. Shur God love him like.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I said.

"What did you take? What did you drink?"

White as a sheet he was, reading all my toiletry labels. I was curled up in a ball on the bed, literally in the knots with the laughing. This wasn’t helping my case. In the end anyway I managed to convince him I was only sick, not dying of a body lotion overdose. He made me eat some pasta then and then I went back into my own room to writhe around in peace.

Tuesday 17^th Nov

Woke up in absolutely no pain for the first time in weeks! Yay! Did a spring clean of the room and organized some work stuff before BBB came home from college. Yet again he made me my dinner and then we watched some Dexter.

Into me leaba I hopped that night, happy as Larry just to be well. But as I lay there all snuggled up in the dark, Little Eddie Hobbs crept over the pillow to whisper in my ear “You’re fucked Jen, just give it up, bitch”. God, he’s right. I am fucked. The ad revenue from this blog has somewhat plateau-ed lately, which may or may not have something to do with the fact that noone on God’s green earth is going to come and read a blog about the Eddie Hobbs Diet and then click on an ad that says “Men’s Tartan Boxers”. Although it has been reported that once there was an ad on here for Eddie Hobbs services.

Speaking of Eddie Hobbs, I feel I must share with you all that about a fortnight ago now I emailed Eddie Hobbs through his website and told him all about my Eddie Hobbs Diet and I haven’t heard anything back, not even from one of his minions. And then he had the CHEEK to show his face on the Late Late Show after he didn’t bother acknowledging my adoration. He is clearly playing hard to get. Oh Eddie. Don't make me start a facebook group.

Wednesday 18^th Nov

Today is my friend Laura’s birthday so we head to her house for dinner and drinks. On the way I am solemnly warned by BBB that I am absolutely NOT to drink tonight, that it is contributing to my ongoing sickness. Of course, I say. Shur I’ll just have a sneaky glass or two of prosecco like.

Now lads I don’t know what happened. I just don’t know. I really did only mean to have one or two. But when I look back on the night, the one or two glasses turned into one or two bottles of prosecco. And also, I never do shots, like as in I have never done one shot in my entire life, but shots of JD were involved. Or “Sinor Jack” as he is affectionately known. Then when the prosecco was gone, I was so busy chatting that I didn’t notice that I was drinking a full glass of neat rum as if it were lemonade. When the time came to go to the club, I went outside the front door and bejaysus. No way. No WAY was I going anywhere but home. I’d say BBB would have killed me if he wasn’t as pissed himself. For a beast of a man, he can’t drink for shit, shur God love him. And that’s saying something coming from me, who gets drunk at the sniff of a West Coast Cooler. But then again I suppose his organs aren’t fully formed yet, what with him being a child and that.

Thursday 19^th Nov

Woke up. Groaned. Went back to sleep.

Friday 20^th Nov

Oh this is it, folks. Things have reached a crescendo! Woke up with the old familiar burn in the stomach and was watching a spot of Dexter when Nora asked did I want to have a lurk around town. Of course! I says, but when I stood up, my stomach had other plans. I was struck with the most acute pain I literally couldn’t straighten out. I got down on the floor in a ball. This is it, I was thinking to myself. This is how I am going to die. Because this is definitely NOT normal, I don’t know anyone who lives like this. The worst thing was I couldn’t even start banging on the wall for BBB to come in because he was gone home for a few days. Next thing I crawled in to the bathroom, and shur Jesus there followed what can only be described as an exodus of my innards. This is good though, this is cleansing. My friend Sofia came over then with tea and biscotti and DVDs and minded me. I think I will marry her.

Saturday 21^st Nov

Went into town with Nora, then headed into Sadie and Laura’s. It was pissin out but all the Christmas lights were on so it totally cancelled out all the dreariness. I am SO looking forward to Christmas! Mam and Hazel are coming over on Thursday and then we are all flying home together on Friday. I can only imagine the shenanigans that we are going to get up to once we get a Malibu and pineapple into Mammy!

Once again, can’t wait to get home to Waterford for a while. Of course, once I’m there five minutes I’ll be itchin to get back out! I can’t even begin to tell you how much I am looking forward to some more classic Jacques family moments like the one that came to pass last March on Hazel’s 30^th birthday. (That’s right Hazel, I’m going there).

We were all out in Hazel’s house for her birthday and we were in the living room in front of the fire having a chat.

Daddy was on the recliner in front of the telly, watchin it at full blast cos he is deaf (from listening to us I’d say) and Hazel’s little dog Lola was standing on his chest just licking the face off him, and he was just letting her.

I don’t know what it is about Daddy’s face but all dogs are mad to lick it. And I don’t know why he lets them, especially Lola, of all little dogs, because she always pees when she gets happy or excited, shur God love her. She was going apeshit licking the face off him and we were all laughing our heads of and making jokes about it, while poor deaf daddy continued on watching the telly, oblivious to us takin the piss.

Next thing Hazel’s husband goes

“Jesus if he’s not careful, his face’ll be like the fella from the Falklands war!”

So we were all laughing at this, but naturally because Hazel had literally just had the baby she pissed herself and left a little wet patch on the leather sofa (thank god it’s wipe clean is all I’ll say!) and I said

“Haha you left a wet patch!’

Ivor then

“Where? Where?!”

And we were all laughing our heads off, like really in the knots, I mean I was on all fours on the floor. Daddy must have heard some faint sounds cos he turned around and we were all rolling all over the place.

“What’s going on?” he said.

Ivor said “She pissed herself!”

And Daddy went “Wha?! Jesus Christ!”

and threw the dog off him, literally launched her through the air like, cos he didn’t have a clue what was going on and he thought Ivor meant that Lola pissed herself all over Daddy and that was what we were laughin at! Well needless to day there wasn’t a dry knickers in the house. Oh lads - get me home!

Sunday 22^nd Nov

Feeling better today. Went for a stroll around town to get some air and reintegrate into society slash spread my disease to the unsuspecting masses. Headed home then to rest. Got on to facebook and had a hilarious nostalgic conversation.

Lads, hands up who remembers NAFFco 54 jackets? And I always thought it was Nanny Annie Fuckin Fanny Colm’s Only 54, but I was told it was in fact Nanny Annie Fuckin Fanny Condoms Only 54. These jackets were the shit boy. If you had one you were the biznitch. You were also king of the pikeys but that’s neither here nor there. If you had the original Naf Naf coat you were actually LESS cool than the people who had NAFFco 54 jackets that they got for a fiver down the Apple Market, where the fella threw in a few gone off Mars bars with it.

If you were a female pikey, the Naffco54 jacket HAD to be worn with “skrousers”. For the uninitiated these are a tasteful mélange of a trousers and a skirt.

Now if you wanted to be REALLY cool, you headed into Rockit on Blackfriars and got yourself a pair of Xworx jeans. I think Rockit replaced Mork’s in the Broad Street Centre as THE place to go for t-shirts and jeans.

Except of course now I was no raver, I was something MUCH cooler lads. I was a grunger. Or at the very least I was trying to be! Jaysis now lads I had it all, the flannel shirts, the chain on me wallet, the black and red doc martins. Shame my Harry Potter glasses didn’t quite fit in with the whole look. Same goes for my “curtains” fringe. Sigh.

Toward the late 1990’s then my style developed into a more skater-y look. With my Quiksilver t shirts and peace sign pendant I was the shit. No joke.

All I can say is thank god I got it all out of my system back then. I can honestly say I was positively rotten until I was about 20. I think I have somewhat copped on since then though.

Thank God.

Bit of a depressing week here in Pavia due to being sick and losing sleep due to the financial nightmare that is my life, but thinking of the good times ahead with the family Jacques keeps me going when I’m sitting on the toilet puking into the bidet.

PS Heard there's a lot of rain at home at the moment. People must be bustin' out their arks left right and centre. I can only imagine them up in the Apple Market now "Ten euro the ark! Free box of mars bars with every ark!"

PPS I can't find any pics on the interweb of Naffco54. The first person to find me one will get a present in the post! If you remember any other mortifying trends from back in the day, leave them as a comment below and give us all a good laugh!