Week Eight

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday just didn’t seem to exist this week as they only served to bring me closer to Thursday, when Mammy and Hazel were coming over to visit me. I have been crossing off the days on my countdown calendar for WEEKS and it’s finally here! Of course now 5 mins after the novelty wears off we’ll be at each others throats. Except we will be repressing the rage and acting like we are grand. You know how these things go.

Thursday 26^th Nov

Today is the day lads – when the Jacques women take Pavia by storm! Was delighted to meet Mammy and Hazel at the station, then we headed out for a bit of lunch, turning every head in Pavia on the way to the restaurant. Had a great laugh eating our pizza, watching yer wan next to us try to cut her pizza with the wrong edge of the knife. Talk about a pizza cutting fail.

Next thing anyway we headed around town for a little gander before I had to go to work.

And then the inevitable happened.

We were in a department store looking at the baby clothes and Hazel picked up a little pair of scratchy grey trousers and said

“Look, St. Paul’s school pants!”

“Ah yeah”, I goes, still in a world of my own.

“They come with a built in rash” she says, and it didn’t sink into my brain fast enough and I goes “with a built in what?” grabbing the label to read what was built in.

"A built in rash, ya ding-dong!” Hazel goes and the two of us were bent double with the laughing.

I leaned over onto a rail and Hazel stumbled backwards into an unsuspecting Mammy and the shock caused her to fart.

“Oh Jesus I farted!” she goes.

Well lads.

I couldn’t even stand up straight, either could Hazel. The three of us were in the knots, three big red heads on us. And I would have been alright, I mean, I just KNOW I would have been alright had Mammy not clung to me cos she was laughing so much she couldn’t stand up by herself.

And we all know that when we are laughing at something like completely in the knots, it is so much funnier when there is someone else laughing the same as you. Now at this point my bladder was finding it hard to cope so I tried to walk away from Mammy, but the conniving little geebag FOLLOWED ME and kept grabbing on to me. And then it happened. I immediately stopped laughing and turned around, stoney faced to the other two;

“We have to go home now”.

Jacques family code code for “ I have to go home and have a bottom-half shower cos I’m after pissin with the laughin”.

The three of us were walking up the road to my house anyway and the next thing I put my hand in my bag to get my keys and they weren’t there.

I was after leaving them in Mammy’s hotel room.

Oh for fuck sake. Didn’t have time then to get changed before work so went in one of Hazel’s knickers, distraught because it didn’t match my bra. Those of you who know me know that I NEVER venture outside the front door if my bra and knickers don’t match. I mean if for some reason I don’t have a matching set I will go without either the bra or the knickers. Sorry like, no can do on the uncoordinated front. And here was me going to work in a black bra and burgundy knickers. Me nerves.

Came back from work and we headed to the pub with Sofia and Silvia. Copious amounts of prosecco, pina colada and red beer were drunk. Then came the inevitable – the hole in the floor toilets. Of course now I’m a pro after the first night, but Mammy and Hazel had their doubts. Eventually Hazel had to face the music and a while after that Mammy was up.

Now I should mention that the toilets are unisex, so when I was in a cubicle I heard Mammy outside;

“Jennie are you in there? Are these the womens?”

“Yeah” I goes.

The next thing;

“Jesus Christ! Jennie there’s a MAN in here!”

“Mammy the toilets are unisex!”

“I don’t care! I don’t like it!”

And yer man standing behind her understanding every word she said like! I was in the knots, and so was Hazel in the cubicle beside me. Let me just inform you kind people that squatting over a hole in the ground after having a few drinks is NOT the most opportune moment to be in the knots. There was a moment of uncertainty, but thankfully I grabbed onto the toilet roll dispenser at the last minute and saved myself!

On the way home then we were drunkenly admiring the architecture and Mammy said;

“I love all these old stone balconies”

Then Hazel pipes up;

“Yeah I know, they’re so ‘Romeo, Romeo, let down your golden hair.’”

Are they Hazel, are they really like? I’d say they are, alright.

Oh Jesus lads. Nearly had another department store moment. Ah I just love the two of them, I’m so glad they came over.

Friday 27^th Nov

Right, I don’t know who to kill first, Hazel or Mammy. Hazel doesn’t know who to kill first, Mammy or me, and Mammy doesn’t have a fucking clue what is going on cos she is walking ten feet behind us at all times.

Have the hangover from hell and have to work this evening. Went around the market and the shops in the day and then went to the girl’s house for dinner where they had kept us some of their pumpkin pie left over from their Thanksgiving Dinner the night before. It was the first time I had ever tasted it. It was AMAZING!

It reminded me of Leahy’s chester cake slices, if anyone remembers them. Or “doorstops” as we used to call them, and if I’m not mistaken, I think one time Hazel actually did go in and ask for a ‘doorstop’ by accident.

Leahy’s, for those not in the know, was a cake shop in Waterford that had the best cakes in the whole town. They retired a few years back and now Waterford has to get by on the substandard produce of X (cannot name names but we all know what I am talking about). Well, technically, X’s is nice but their vanilla slices just can’t hold a candle to Leahy’s, which was pure set custard, instead of a bit of pisswater custard mixed in with a bit of cream.

Jesus Leahy’s was great. Remember they used to have those yellow swirl cakes with the cream inside the swirl? They came in brown as well. And their jam tarts – out of this world! And the donuts! The donuts! I have to sit down. I think we should all have a moment of silence for how great Leahy’s really was.

Saturday 28^th Nov

Ok so we had organized to go to Bologna today for a spot of shopping and eating some good Bolgnese food. Had organized to take the 9.12 train to Milano and get the connecting train to Bologna. We were all meeting at 8.45 at the station. However the girls were 15 mins late so we missed the train. No bodder butty we’ll just pay a bit extra and take the next train. Yer wan behind the counter was a nazi anyway but we got our tickets and she told us which train to get on.

Cut to 20 mins later and the train was stopped in a station that was NOT Milano Centrale, and we were there with a few Italians who were in the same boat as us. Turns out the nasty ass bitch at the ticket counter sold us all the wrong tickets and told us to get on the wrong train. I ought to punch her in the kidney. As a result we missed our train to Bologna and ended up going around Milan for the day. I was SO disappointed that I didn’t get to go back to Bologna but what harm shur, Milan is nice as well. I’ll go back to Bologna after Christmas. And at least Mammy and Hazel got to see Milan.

On the train anyway Mammy was telling us about some poor simple fella who was on the train from Waterford to Dublin with two kids.

Now here’s a bit of background on these types of situations: Mammy is a sucker for a sob story, and if she sees some “poor craythur” she immediately constructs in her head an elaborate back story of woe for them. I mean talk about adding (shriveled) arms and (lame) legs to the story. Now herself and Hazel were describing the fella for me and how he was struggling with the buggy and here Mammy goes;

“ And he had a bit of a lame leg as well”.

And I wouldn’t mind now lads but the fella was probably 6 foot 2 and made of steel and braun.

“Mammy stop it, he did not”, Hazel goes, to which Mammy replied;

“Did you not see him bent over the buggy – I think he had a bit of a scrunchback”

Lord, give me strength.

Sunday 29^th Nov

Today is the day! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I’m going home! Yay! Can’t WAIT to noogie the head off my little nephew Jack! But first have to tackle the unpleasantness of “The Goodbye” with BBB. I was almost ready to go when I heard him opening his door. I opened my door and the look on his face was enough to break my heart. He brought me down to the station anyway and when I got on the bus he stood outside and waited until the bus pulled away. Now lads, if it’s one thing I can’t stand it’s goodbyes. I usually prefer to do the whole slap on the back and sprint away with me eyes stinging kind of thing but this time I had to look at his heartbroken face out the window for ten minutes. It was torture. And it was torture too because I actually didn’t want to leave him. A month without BBB is going to be tough. How does that old line go? “I’ve grown accustomed to his pecs” or something romantic like that.

After a neverending day of travelling we finally made it home and squeezed the head off little Jack, and if that wasn’t enough joy then my niece Liljana showed up in a gorgeous little cream furry hat and jacket combo to melt my heart even more. MSN’ed with BBB. Hard to believe that only this morning we were snuggling. Would you listen to me lads, I have it BAD! It’s ok though, cos he has it worse. I mean it’s hard enough when you’re 18 and a month without your girlfriend seems like the end of the world, but to be 18 and ITALIAN!

The poor fella.

I think he had a bit of a scrunchback as well…