Week Thirty Three

Monday 31st May

It's another gorgeous day in Pavia so meseff and himseff head out onto the grass to do a bit of study. After lunch I enjoyed a nice fruit salad and by then it was too hot to go back outside so we took our positions on the bed and continued studying there.

All was well until I felt a certain activity going on in my innards. Something untoward was definitely brewing. All of a sudden it was like my whole insides went into spasm and I had the worst cramps I have ever had in my life.

"Oooooooooooooooooow!" I was screeching.

"Jesus, what's wrong Love?" says he.

"I am not joking you I have some cramp!" said I, while contorting myself into every position of the Karma Sutra, trying to make myself feel better when finally:

Pfffffffffffffffft.

A little mini whisper fart.

I couldn't describe the relief.

"Oh thank God, I feel so much better", said I, and lay back down in my position, grateful that there was no smell.

No smell on my end of the bed.

"Oh MADONNA, Amore!" he roars, "Go into the toilet or something!"

"Stop being a drama queen BBB, there's no sm....oh christ that's bad!"

What can I say lads? Fruit salad is a bitch like that.

Then he was like sniffing the air going "ewwwwwwwwwww! bleuuuuuuuurgggggghhhhhhh!"

"Here's an idea!", I goes, "stop fucking sniffing it then!"

"I'm not sniffing it, I have to breathe like", he goes, all indignant.

What has the world come to when you can't even fart in peace in your own home?

Tuesday 1st June

Now it's no secret that I have fallen into the black hole of depression. Generally when this sort of carry on happens I think it's a great idea to stuff my face for a few weeks and get really fat. Surely that will lift my sullen mood, like. Anyway, I have been stuffing my face all the time lately and have not been running so you can only imagine the size of me.

Oonga boonga.

Today however, something happened to lift the oul depression. In fact it blew the depression out of the water.

Before Easter I handed my CV into Lush in Milano. I LOVE Lush stuff and I worked there for a year in Dublin so I thought, imagine now if I could work in a lovely shop that I love and do it in Italian? Double whammy of deadliness like. I know some Lush shops can be annoying because there are some serious knob ends working in some of them but the one I was working in was lovely and relaxed.

Anyway I never heard anything from them so I thought I didn't tickle their fancy. After all I'm only trilingual with a year's experience in the same company like.

Wait for it...

Last week they rang me to come in and do an interview and some demos and I have to say now lads I rocked it. I fucked up once or twice on a bit of grammar but I did a deadly demo and I had them in the knots with my wit and charm. Sure you know the way you'd be like. When you're witty and charming like.

Anyway they rang me today and offered me a one year contract.

I did a little dance.

So yeah, I'm staying here for another year.

This solves so many problems for me, because I was all depressed and up in a heap the last few weeks (did you guess?) because I was worried about next year. I felt like my Italian had reached a plateau and I wasn't learning anything new, like I was only using the Italian I already knew and I was all pissed off over it. Plus Eddie says no to college next year.

But now that I have the job I will learn so much so fast. I will constantly be out of my comfort zone so I will have to push myself hard.

Working in there I will be fairly close to fluent by the time the year is up and I can return to finish my degree like a smug fluent bitch with my thesis done and all my (two) classmates will hate me and want me to die. Hee hee.

AND I can save like a mofo and all my financial worries will be over for my last year in college!

Lads I feel so relieved I couldnt even describe it to ye.

I feel like someone just handed me a second chance on a silver plate.

And I'm taking the hand an' all off them.

Wednesday 2nd June

Woke up this morning and wasn't feeling great so I said I'd try and sleep it off. My hayfever has really been ruining my life lately. Nothing I take works so I am constantly snotting and sneezing and my brain always needs to be scratched and I can't remember the last time I had a lovely sleep cos I'm up all night snotting into a cotton knickers cos I have no hanky and tissues have my nose ripped to shreds.

That's a trick I learned from Mammy. When you are at home sick with a cold always use a nice soft cotton knickers or somesuch to blow your nose so you won't destroy your face. Well I think I left it go a bit far before I switched to the knickers, cos not only is my nose raw and bleeding, but me top lip is like a barren desert.

Anyway as a result of never sleeping I'm always knackered so I thought if I tried to have a mini sleep I would feel better.

Wrong.

Somehow all the snot inside my head formed like a kind of bubble on the inside of my skull and started pushing against the front of my face and the top of my head. The pressure and the pain was unreal! BBB came home and drugged me up to the last and I finally felt better. About two hours later he goes:

"How are you feeling now love?"

"Much better after that Aulin", I goes.

"Ah you only needed to see me to feel better didnt you?"

"Ah yeah."

Nothing to do with the industrial strength painkillers you gave me like.

Thursday 3rd May

We had the washing machine booked for today so we were sorting the things that need to be washed. Being a woman, I was separating whites from coloureds and so on.

"What are you doing?" BBB asked me.

"You can't wash coloureds with whites", I answered.

"Oh yes you can!" he said, producing a little red box "with Grey's colour catchers!"

I just looked at him. I was expecting Barry Scott to jump out from under the bed and Cillit Bang a penny for me. You can't be having your pennies going around dull now.

"No I don't trust those things", I said, but he assured me he used them every time so I reluctantly put my few whites and pales into the laundry hamper.

Two hours later, when he brought the stuff back up, I was folding everything to put it away and I noticed that not everything was pink, or even grey. No, thanks to his orange bathrobe everything was a lovely pissy yellow colour.

All my little white vests were a lovely hue of pisswater. All his white t shirts however, somehow came out cream coloured, ie totally wearable.

Jammy bastard.

Friday 4th June

This is what happened last night.

INT. apartment. Late afternoon. Laura is sitting at a table watching Glee. The phone rings.

Brrrrrrrrrrrring!

Laura: Hello?

Jen: Well girl how's yourself?

Laura: (In American accent) I'm graaaaaand, what's up?

I love when she says all my little Irish Jennie things in her American accent. Highlight of my life: when she said "shur God love him".

Jen: Are we doing anything this weekend?

Laura: Nope.

Jen: Will we go to Ireland tomorrow?

Laura: What?

Jen: Yeah fuck it come on will we go?

Laura: Yeah! On my God let's go!

Jen: We're mad so we are!

And that's how meseff and herseff went to Ireland today.

I didn't realise until we were on the road though how much I really wanted to go home. How much I wanted to just be in my parent's house and be minded a little bit.

Daddy was waiting for us at the train station.

Now lads there is something about Daddies that makes my heart hurt a small bit. So when I saw my lovely Daddy I burst out crying and snotting up into his face.

How unlike me, usually I only cry in private because I am very proud. Even when I was small and fell in the playground in school I kept it in boy. I never wanted anyone to see me crying ever. The second I got home though, all bets were off. I don't know how my mother didn't "bate" me.

Anyway I don't know why I was so emotional when I saw Daddy. Probably because I was down innthe dumps for so long and now suddenly everything is going grand again I was so delighted. Went home to find Mammy and my niece Lily and my little dog were waiting at the end of the drive for me. Any lump in me throat, nah? Then Hazel brought my number one man in the whole world, my nephew Jack out to see me and shur I was made up.

Had a great night, meseff and Laura were stuck to the telly. Meseff and BBB dont have a telly in our house and Laura only has a baby one so imagine how lovely it was to watch a nice bit of Four Weddings in English. Top notch lads.

Saturday 5th June

Today meseff and Laura headed into the sprawling metropolis of Waterford and raped Penneys.

Then right, on our way home we passed The Open Door and I said, I'll just run in here a sec because they usually have some nice pieces.

Sure enough, I found an out of this world top and I went in to try it on. I pulled my top up over my head and hung it on the hanger and was just putting the other top over my head when I looked up.

At the security camera over the dressing room looking directly down on me.

Jesus I didn't know what to think!

The first thing that came into my mind was some perv sitting in the back room watching me try on a top. But I just said what harm shur there is no point getting upset over it. After all my breasticles are nothing short of majestic.

But now it's playing on my mind a small bit.

The camera was one of those ones that's in a bubble. So you dont know which way it's pointing. But just having it over the changing room. Christ like. There's something amiss there.

Sunday 6th June

Today we went out to Mahon Falls and had a pickernic.

Daddy tried to make me fall over by making me look up at the mountaintop while I was walking and then he did and he fell.

Then we went out to Tramore and we were up the Doneraile where there is an old cannon. We took forty seven million pictures of all of us on top of it and I was holding the camera and I said:

"Jesus we are getting out money's worth out of this cannon!"

and then Daddy pointed at the camera and goes

"Oh is that a Canon?"

Lads.

Why aren't there bidets in Ireland?