Monday, September 6, 2010

Week Forty Five - Now With Willies!

Don't worry lads! I'm still alive!

Monday 30th August

Today I decided it was about time I invested in a ladybag.

A ladybag is a handbag of the highest order that serves to demonstrate to the outside world that you are in fact a grown up lady who has made her way in this harsh world and come out the other side looking fabulous, high quality italian leather handbag in tow.

Yes, it is time for a ladybag.

So off I went to the nearest ladybag shop and that's where I saw it - the bag of my dreams. I reached up to take it off the shelf and KERASH! This big metal yoke fell down and hit the ground with the loudest metallic crash I ever heard.

Of course then it decided to bounce off the ground and ricochet off my shinbone.

Oh Christ lads.

Now you know when you are in public and something happens to you and everyone is like "Oh my God are you alright?" and your eyes are stinging with tears of agony and you're like "Ah yeah I'm grand, didn't feel a thing", when in fact you're about to projectile vomit from the pain.

Well yeah, that's exactly what happened. I was just thinking to myself, thank god I am wearing trousers, otherwise my leg would have been shredded. I hobbled home anyway, me leg was killing me, the feckin metal yoke was after connectin with the bone like.

I was wondering why my shin was tickling me and when I got home I lifted up my trouser leg and found out. Blood all over the gaff. Head spinning. Must sit down. Big slice under my knee. Mammy!

Cleaned it up and went to work with big sad eyes on me to get a bit of pity off the girls in work. They delivered. Result!

Tuesday 31st August

Every 31st August I think of my friend Leighanne who always nearly drowns every year on the 31st August. Oh Leighanne!

Anyway, I was chatting to BBB on Skype and we were talking about what I would wear to tomorrow's interview (will give more details when I can) and he was like

"One of your pencil skirts shur, and what about the black top with the weird neck?"

" Well I was thinking that but it's too hot for stockings"

"Whatever you do, stay away from treasures"

"What?"

"Treasures aren't a good idea."

"Jewellery like?"

"No Jesus Christ Jennie - treasures!"

"I have no idea what what you're talking about"

"The things you wear on your legs!"

"Oh - trousers!"

"Fine, trousers then."

Shur God love him.

Wednesday 1st September

Woke up with the worst crick in my neck in history! Went to the interview, hoping it wouldn't require me to look to the side.

All went well and then I went for lunch with the girls from my new apartment, who are just lovely. And guess what - we have a lovely little dog! Her name is Nana. I'll be moving in in two week's time, I think it'll be a good year with the gals.

Anyway after lunch I went home and signed into chat to wait for my sister to come online to tell her about the interview. My neck was killing me so I was absentmindedly rooting in the medicine bag for the Sifacamina i.e. Italian Deep Heat. I was rubbing it in anyway thinking to myself "Shur this thing isn's even getting hot - maybe it's out of date?" and I looked down at the tube only to find I was after rubbing Canasten into my neck.

Oh Jennie girl.

Thursday 2nd September

Today in work the non-gay gay fella was on the till with an American and he said "Seventy two fifty seven please" and she gave him an hundred and he said "Have you got any money?" He meant "change" , but the Italian word is "monete" which is similar. Obviously it was a tiny mistake but the way he said "Have you got any money?" and the head on the American wan when he said it, it was just priceless. I just said then "Change, have you got any change?" And he was like, wait for it:

"Oh right, I'm a donkey."

"What?"

"I'm such a donkey!"

"You mean you're an ass, is it?"

"Oh for fuck sake!"

Now I feel better about the the "as if I had two tits" thing.

Friday 2nd September

Only 3 more days until BBB comes home for one day and then pisses off back south for another two weeks. Can't wait! I'm gonna squeeeeeeze the muscly head off him! Can't wait to see his giant monster foot stickin out from under the covers. Unfortunately since I gave up wheat and dairy I rarely fart anymore, otherwise I would be savin up my best fart for his leg when he is asleep.

Saturday 3rd September

OOooooooh! Only two more days now!

Sunday 4th Spetember

Today is the longest day in the history of days. I tell myself I just have to get through today and then it's all biscuits and gravy as I get home and get ready, all excited for the arrival of BBB. To pass time I decide to have a flick through the nudie man calendar in the back. It's all famous rugby players with rugby balls over their willies.

Or so I thought.

Upon closer inspection, there are willies hanging out all over the place! I couldn't believe it! Willies like! Men's willies! Holy Mary Mother of God! Just in case you didn't believe me I took some photographic evidence. Merely to back up my claim, you understand. Take this photo, for example:


Just two lads hanging around on the treadmill, discussing what went down in Ruby's last night. Nothing amiss here, right? WRONG! Because if you just look a little closer...



BOOM!


Look! Look! A big willy just hanging there for all to see! Oh holy God! Lads I don't know what to think!

I mean I like it, like...

19 comments:

Radge said...

I'm on a train after reading this, the American wan with the cowboy hat had a sneaky look over and saw the willie. Suppose she thinks I'm a non-gay gay fella.

Thanks for that.

Rosie said...

it coulda been worse, Jen. you could have put the Sifacamina on your...

Holemaster said...

I didn't know what Canestan was until now. Yep, Rosie's right.

Andrew said...

From the look of discomfort of willie-man's face I reckon he could do with go of your Canesten.

Jennikybooky said...

Radge - my pleasure.

Rosie - you have a valid point.

Holemaster - now you know haha!

Andrew - willie-man! Think I might call BBB that from now on!

gay chat said...

I am promoting an awareness campaign for the rights of gay people. Gays should be respected, not neglected, not abused, and free of will to do things that most normal people do. We should support this campaign and let this spread to other people.
Gays should be treated as equals. They are still a human beings that needs freedom from abuse, from discrimination. People do tend to be conservative and got the bad impression when they met a gay person, please do stop that for it is applicable theses days. Human rights do honor this one. I am campaigning this awareness to let the people know and remind them that gay people too are Human.

Andrew said...

Do tell us more, Gay Chat.
I met a lovely fella on your site called Thoroughbred, we talked about Arabians for hours.

Kitty Cat said...

So...do gay rights campaigning spambots find sites by Googling "willies" then?

Jennikybooky said...

Gay Chat - just to be clear then: there's gay people and then there's "normal" people. Thanks for letting us all know.

Andrew - I wish you both every happiness in the world.

Kitty Cat - we can only presume.

Lisa said...

It looks so miserable hanging there, just the tip...

Jennikybooky said...

I think it might be lonely.

Will I give it your number?

Lisa said...

Euuuugh! Stop personifying it.

Annie said...

wheat AND dairy?! There is nothing left!

A Certain Vintage said...

oh god, just found your blog and has had me in stitches all morning! you've a great way with words!

Radge said...

We'd be in dire need of an update.

The Drivel Machine said...

Here here.

Holemaster said...

Where the feck are you Jenny?

Elaine :) said...

Where have the posts disappeared to! I found your blog ages back through Niamh (The Loving Spoonful) and I thought it was so hilarious I went back to the start and read every post from the very beginning... but now there are no more to read :( Please update us... your writing style is hilarious!

KFS said...

Yeah, what Mr.Holemaster said, whats happened to you?
Sure drop an auld comment along the lines of "Blogging's a loada shite, goodluck youse monkeys" and then we can rest easy and not be worrying about wee cyber-lassies lost out foreign.