Well readers, we have arrived at week 9 and I havent died of starvation, although my lack of clothes really is becoming quite detrimental to my health.
Saturday 8th March
Today is the sister's birthday. 29. Haaaaaaaates tha'!
I have started to discover a very disturbing pattern forming in the house. There is a definite feeling of Us vs Them on the roommates front - Landlady/Bitch-Faced Whore and Housemate (not to be confused with Roommate) against meself and the Pole. This can be best witnessed in what I can only refer to as The Rubbish War. Let me lay it out for you:
We have a tiny bin in the kitchen and every night we empty it and put the plastic bag out on the balcony for someone to take it out to the big communal bins on the kerb on their way out the following morning. This person is usually Housemate as she leaves for work around 7.30 am, so it is always gone by the time anyone else leaves. Recently, however, I have noticed that Housemate hasnt taken it out fo the last 4 days, and that there are 5 small bags out on the balcony awaiting putting out. This is of great interest to me as I have also noticed that there has been a bit of tension in the house, and I think that this is a test of myself and Roommate's housematedness.
If there's one thing Landlady/Bitch-Faced Whore loves it's giving out to someone over some anal thing in the house, like the amount of hand soap in the bathroom, or where we hang our hand towels. With this in mind, I wake up extra super duper early and with the stealth of a ninja I creep out onto the balcony, grab the 5 bags, and hot foot it to the bin on the kerb, still clad in my jimjams, to the delight of a passing pervert. Run back into the house and do a quick general sweep and scrub. Still have to buy hand soap but the shops arent open til 9. Me nerves are at me cos I can hear L/BFW waking up and I dont want to give her the chance to give out to me about the hand soap. Roommate gets up and sits in the kitchen, L/BFW joins her. I lurk in the bedrom until 5 mins to 9 and then make a run for the front door, sayin im just going to check the post and leg it to Lidl and stock up on hand soap and loo roll. Return to the house triumphant and make a jolly fine show of putting them in the hall press, whilst enjoying the feeling of watching L/BFW's face drop as I steal the satisfaction of giving out to someone away from her. Fnar fnar.
Later on she puts something in the bin and then twitches the balcony door curtain to one side, about to tell someone to put out the rubbish, only to discover the balcony is cleared of all bags. Roommate and I exchange a knowing look, as she turns around and is like "oh, the rubbish is gone" "oh that?" I say nonchalantly "yeah took that out a while ago there". Silent handshake of victory is exchanged under the table.
Sunday 9th March
Every week there is a certain cleaning rota for the house. The bathroom rota is as follows:
Monday - Roommate
Wednesday - L/BFW
Friday - Housemate
Sunday - Yours Truly
This includes washing all floors in the apartment, except the kitchen.The kitchen is scrubbed every Sunday by one of us, and this week it is my turn. Needless to say, if your day to clean passes and you forgot to do it or were too busy, then you will be approached about it and made to feel like a bad person. Not this week. Not on my watch! I silently rise at dawn and scrub the kitchen from floor to ceiling and get back into bed, filled with a warm fuzzy feeling of satisfaction. Later on, Housemate gets up and says "whose turn is it to clean the kitchen?" and Im like " Oh I did it already this morning". Orgasm.
Monday 10th March
The Rubbish War rages on. Jennikybooky and Roommate are still in the lead.
Tuesday 11th March
Book my flights for coming home for Easter today! Whoop whoop! Wasn't too pushed to come home at first cos Im nice and settled over here now but the closer it gets the more Im looking forward to it. Gonna stuff some serious fajitas into me faaaaaaaace, boi.
Wednesday 12th March
Up until now, Roommate and I have been united in the face of a common enemy, but now there is internal friction which threatens to discombobulate our united front and destroy our lead on the Rubbish War. What is this friction, I hear you ask? Ill tell you what it is. It's the friction of her leg hitting my bed EVERY SINGLE TIME she walks past it. Like EVERY SINGLE TIME. Without fail. It has been going on for a while, so I've been trying some different tactics, like moving my desk a few feet in the other direction to stop her walking into the bed. Nope. Moving the lamp to better light her way out the door. Nope. Trying to push my (immovable) bed at an angle. Nope. All useless. I was left with no choice but to eat the fuckin head off her as she did it for the squillionth time one night. I mean, its past midnight. Why the fuck is it necessary to walk in and out of he room eleventy million times? Help me Jesus.
Thursday 13th March
Almost at the end of the week and Im well within my budget, I think the Rubbish War must be distracting me from spending money on such trivialties as food, for example.
Friday 14th March
Hurrah! Another successful week! But not just because Im within my budget, oh no! But because I think I can safely say that Victory is ours with regards the Rubbish War. This morning I successfully orchestrated a complete reversal of power. As Landlady/Bitch-Face Whore was leaving, I said after her, "oh, (actual name), you wouldn't mind putting out the rubbish on your way out, would you?" Yessssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Final Frontier
1 day ago