Saturday 15th March
Lurked around town today and bought a record 11 pairs of new knickers. Returned home, triumphant, blocking out Eddie's outraged voice in my ear. Later that night I go out and get a little whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooozy and a nice Italian chap brings me home, with me chewing the ear off him the whole way home, and him laughin his head off the whole time. Good times.
Sunday 16th March
Feeling pretty lethargic today (read - hungover), the furthest I went was to the bathroom, and that was at a push.
Monday 17th March
Paddy's Day. Now, I really feel as if I should go out and go mental, being in Bologna and that, but honestly, I couldn't be bothered. So I have a nice day luxuriating at home and organising my suitcase for coming home.
Tuesday 18th March
Meself and Roommate decide to live large and go on a jaunt to the superdeeduper market on the other side of our house. When we are at the checkout, I pull out my wallet to pay the girl, opening it to reveal on one side, a picture of my whole family, and on the other, a picture of Mark when he was a baby. I especially appreciate it now, cos every time these bastardin Italians screw me out of more money, I open my wallet and see me little family shur and it warms the cockles of me heart. Roommate, on the other hand, opens hers up to reveal a picture of a red squirrel. Just sittin nonchalantly on a branch nibblin on a nut, head cocked at a jaunty angle. And this is no haphazard newspaper snipping either, oh no - it's a photo quality printout of the little guy. Im like "eh, actual name, why is there a photo of a squirrel in your wallet?" She thinks for a moment "emmmmmmmm, i dont really know" "Oh right" I said, "was it in there when you bought it then?" "no" she says. Riiiiiiiiiight.
Wednesday 19th March
Whoop whoop! Get up at the crack of dawn and skip merrily to bus stop, tiniest suitcase in the world in tow. Get the bus to the airport, where I meet a charming bunch of young men who keep me entertained while we wait to be shooed onto the flight like cattle. All is going well and the flight is nice and smooth, until the plane suddenly just drops. For like 5 seconds. Now 5 seconds is a long time for a plane to be dropping, people. Everyone is like "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh" but Im just sitting there, frozen in terror, my nails most probably piercing the flesh of Classmate's arm, and The Area on my back that I can't stand people touching but serves as a warning to me of oncoming catastrophe is twitching like mad.
Somehow I get through it, and Im buzzin off me head comin into the airport, delighted to see Lurk Eile waiting for me, not only because I love her (well, she's alright like) but although I can't SEE it, I can SENSE that she has some fizzy mistress on her person. That's the real measure of love - not coming all the way up just to collect me at the airport, sure anyone can do that, but it's just that little touch that shows she was thinking about me and went to the extra bother of looking for it cos she knew it would make me incredibly happy. Sure enough, she reaches into her handbag - and lo! A bottle of orange lucozade is produced. I tenderly opened the bottle and, trembling, lifted that vessel of wondrousness to my lips, eager for the glucosey goodness to enter me. And order was restored to the world. Orangey orgasmic order. Like Pugwall's band.
We jaunt around Dublino for the day then head home on a ridiculously packed train to Waterford, vroom vroom out to see my Daddy and then hot foot it out to Sister's house to eat fajitas and get "pished". All is going well, until Sister calls me into the kitchen.
"Now Jennie don't get mad ok?" Im thinkin "oh jesus christ im only home" And she points at the chopping board. With an empty plastic bag on it. The same plastic bag that was full of chicken fillets 5 mins ago. And that the cat is now sitting on, licking his lips. If I had a fucking shovel.
Not to worry though, called the other sister to save the day with a trip to the butchers on her way, and soon enough we were back in action.
I successfully avoid tastebud armageddon by blocking the entrance of some rogue mushrooms into me dinner and Im as happy as larry waiting for my favourite dinner until I open the fridge door and notice a distinct lack of something extremely vital to the enjoyment of a fajita. Cheese.
Hazel Jacques, nay, Hazel O' Brien forgot the fuckin cheese. I know what you're thinking, cos Im thinking it too. What a fuckin tit-box. Plus she had a few glasses of wine in her so there was no talking to her either. Thankfully though for everyone's sake, her neighbour had a bag of grated cheese and the night was saved. Ate my fill and crawled up to the bed absolutely WRECKED. Most comfortable bed EVER, by the way. Siobhan came up a while later, cos Hazel wasn't finished chewin the ear off her yet haha! After our usual sleep-together exchange (Siobhan: "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz" Jennie: "Shut the FUCK up" Siobhan: silence) I fell into a deep (ankle-deep, which is deep for me) sleep until the next morning.
Thursday 20th March
Was rudely awoken by Lurk Eile telling me I had to get up. Dragged meself into the shower, where I used all of Sister's most luxurious products (thanks sis) and the two of us headed into town to meet the third lurk to complete the recombobulation. We lunched on a brasserie and then headed off on another wild adventure. To Hook Head. Now before you say that wasn't a wild adventure hear this - we took the ferry. Don't act like you're not impressed! Lurk Eile does it twice every day, so I was trying to act nonchalant about the whole thing but really I was having an inner shitfreak, only calmed by the enjoyment of watching Lurk Eile and the oul lad who collects the fares playin mind games with each other. Sexy stuff.
Made it to the other side against all odds and continued our journey to Loftis Hall. We stood outside the gates and took turns to freak the living shit out of each other by tellin the stories at the gates. Some were more scary than others, one of the least effective being pointing to the car next to ours and saying "thats the devils car now, he just called in to say well" Something tells me now the devil wouldnt have a Baby on Board sign swingin in the back window.
Onwards to the lighthouse where we did such exciting things as visit the gift shop and go for a wee before we headed home. Dropped Lurk Eile home because "my house is only 10 mins from here" (lies) and then headed back to Waterford and Lurk dropped me home.Then headed out to Other Sister's house to make a strawberry cheesecake for my internet husband. To demonstrate my wifely abilities, like. A wonderful night is had by all, and I head home to go haboo in me little leaba, toasting my buns on my electric blanket.
Friday 21st March
One would think that being in the comfort of my own little bed with my own little electric blanket would have lulled me into a restful sleep, but no. I was tossing and turning all night, up to ninety cos I was meeting Flesh Tunnels the next day. I swear to God I felt like Santy was comin!
Got up at the crack of dawn anyway, called out to Other Sister's, called up to Brother's, went to DIY shop with Dad. And it was STILL 9 o clock. Jesus was time going BACKWARDS? Daddy excused himself from the house and hot-footed it up to Brother's as 11 o clock approached.
Finally I heard (monster) car wheels crunching up the drive, and when I heard the door open, I sent the dog out to suss him out first and waited a few seconds. "Hello dog, etc" was heard, this pleased Fionn, which pleased me and I headed out to participate in what will go down in history as the Most Awkward Few Seconds Ever. Hahahahahahah! I was DYING to burst out laughin. Like, DYING. It was HILARIOUS, but obviously like I couldn't laugh, but I couldn't kiss him either cos it was so fuckin funny. Best to wait til later in the day, when I'm not about to piss meself.
So later in the day we were sittin in the jeep looking out onto the beach and having a chit chat and the like. And then I say something hilarious like I always do and we are laughing our heads off and then that bit happens when we come to he end of the laugh and we're looking at each other, stealing furtive glances at the other one's lips, hearts beating wildly as we both realise that this is The Moment. We both lean in, inch by tantalising inch, and here he suddenly goes "give us a kiss". Give us a kiss? Give us a fucking KISS? Is he for REAL? Like, can he actually be for REAL? Tell me, how does a man get to such advanced years and still think it appropriate to come out with blinders like that? Moment well and truly over. "No!" I say (in the same intonation one would use to say 'dooooooooooooope'). He's like "what?!" Im like "No fuckin way after you ASKED for it!" The he starts "Please?" Oh Jesus Christ. Kill me now.
Tra la la la a lovely day was had and as he dropped me home Daddy was in the garage and I went in to say hello. Nothing was said about the fact that I was out cavorting with a large man except "what's he driving, a fuckin lorry?" Good, good, this is good. Head inside and chill out for the night.
Ps totally went above and beyond my budget this week but I can honestly say I didnt give a rat's ass cos I was high on a combobulation of New Fella Adrenaline and Im-At-Home-It-Doesn't-Count-itis.
Transgender gone wrong
16 hours ago