Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Week Six

Saturday 16th February

Took out a fresh fifty from the bank machine and did the shopping. Only spent fifteen snots, I'm getting good at this! The spirit of Eddie is thriving deep inside me. At least I hope that's his spirit. Chilled out during the day, watched The Heartbreak Kid. Saturday night went to Fran's house for dinner and drinks. And drinks and drinks and drinks and drinks. Brought the bottle of snazzy Prosecco I got in for The Man's birthday. Needless to say it was bittersweet. Got to' up from the flo' up drunk, crawled home on my hands and knees. Good times!

Sunday 17th February

Woke up a with "a head like a bursted shoe" as my good friend from down Wexico way would say. My condition quickly improved though and I went into town to meet my Bajan empress. We headed into town and went into this gorgeous cafe that I have grown quite fond of, where I inhaled a piadina and a hot chocolate. With cream, I hear you asking? But of course, chums!

Chilled out in there for a while, but unfortunately the reggae sedated me into such a condition that it was impossible to deny the fact that I was, in fact, completely fucked. Walked home at the speed of an arthritic snail. Snuggled up and watched Juno. Which, by the way, is unbelievable.

Monday 18th February

Woke up to discover that I was actually suffering from a two-day hangover. Excellent. Spent all day (and much of the night) at home wasting my life on t'internet talking to everyone I know. Some more than others. You know who you are. (That's you, Flesh Tunnels) Watched Annie Hall in bed. Gave out to myself for wasting yet another day pickin up future husbands via t'internet. MUST cut down on that.

Tuesday 19th February

I start the day as I mean to go on, by watching The L Word. This week's episode involved Turkish Oil Wrestling. I was MADE UP. Mid-sitting there with a big delighted head on me watchin them ripping each other around a ring covered in oil, the doorbell rang. Looked out the peephole. It was a priest. My heart jumped up into my mouth - how did Jesus find out I was watchin The L Word? But in reality he just came to bless the house, but as none of us had a gant between us, we had to go without. So let's just say if a handsome stranger comes by the house for a game of poker, I'll ring the roofers in advance.

Wanted to watch High Fidelity because I had a craving for John Cusack (John you are everything a man should be) but couldn't find it to stream so I settled for 1408.Yes I know, imagine ME watching a scary film all on my own, considering that the last scary film I watched was Silent Hill, which resulted in me being STUCK to Mark in the bed every night for a week. I would have slept INSIDE him if I could have. The terror. Every time I had to pee I had to wake him up to bring me in case the burning babies were waiting at the end of the stairs for me. It's a possibility like. You never know with them burning babies.

Wednesday 20th February

A most productive day today. Myself and my sistren Empress head in and meet our professors for a spot of arse-licking, then head and track down some IMPOSSIBLE to find books in some totally obscure library. Result.

Also a good day for reinforcing my sense of being useful to society as the person in the tourist centre tried to show Tamara where something was on a map, and she grabbed me to take the offending map away from her and guide her to safety. Not that I blame her. It's a commonly known fact that I have the Very Mild Superpower of Superhuman Map Reading Abilities. This being a new discovery since I came to Italy. Even The Man, who is allergic to being nice to other people, one said, nay, one PROCLAIMED, "Jesus, you are a fucking COMPASS". Lets take a moment to imagine a 30 year old man saying that to a small blonde woman. Aaaaaaw yizzle I'm the shizzle. I'm just contemplating what my superhero catchphrase would be. I'm thinking : "Ok turn left at the end of this lane lads and it should be on our right" Or somesuch phrase I say on a daily basis to my followers.

Even though I have an exam tomorrow, I don't do a TAP of study and I have no excuse whatsoever. I am the WORST student in the history of the world. And yet I feel like it'll be grand. Watch The Bucket List in bed and ball my head off. Roommate laughs at my emotional turmoil and calls me a weirdo. Well, excuse me if I feel the pain of others. I mean geez.

Thursday 21st February

Exam first thing. Complete disaster. First of all, I didn't study. But that has NOTHING to do with why it was a disaster. It has EVERYTHING to do with the fact that Hugues was giving it. I went into his office (I have dreamed of this moment for so long) and he looks up from his desk and goes "Bonjour Jenny-fare" in his Belgian accent. At that moment I knew it was all over for me. How was I supposed to sit there opposite him and talk crap about literature when he was WEARING THAT ORANGE JUMPER. Stop it. I couldn't cope. I was like a vegetable in the chair. Paralysed by erotic thoughts. He was sitting there going blah blah blah african literature and I was sitting there with a thought bubble coming out of my head "Look at his lips. I wonder is he hairy. Would he be a good husband? I want to bite him"

Anyway I somehow managed to get through it and in the end I did grand. But only because in the end I decided it wouldn't work out cos he is FAR too skinny and, let's face it, I'm a chubby chaser. I felt sorry for poor Classmate though who has to do it again. Some pain in the hole. But you see, she made the classic mistake of actually admitting she didnt know anything, whereas I bluffed and winged it and pulled it off with style and panache. A tried and tested technique.

Friday 22nd February

Woke up early with the feeling that something good was coming my way. What could it be? Went down to collect the post, and was wondering why the inhabitants of my apartment block had formed a guard of honour from my front door to my postbox, until I opened the door of the postbox to the sound of fanfare. And there it was...could it be? Yes! Yes it was! A Valentine's Card! For me? For me! HURRAH! All is not lost! Someone in the world was having thoughts about me on Valentine's Day! I double check to make sure it wasn't from my mother, or any other blood relative, for that matter. Nope, it's real. It's from an actual man. With an actual willy. It actually counts. Yesssssssssssssss! Do a quick victory lap around the building and head back up to my apartment to the cheers of my neighbours. Display said card proudly on my desk and welcome my housemates with "Ciao! Oh what's this? Oh nothing, it's just a Valentine's card." Hee hee! I've still got it!

All in all a good week, but mostly because of the Valentine's card. That's what I get for being a STONE FOX, I guess. And that's not all folks, oh no! I still have SEVEN euro left! God will my wondrousness never cease!

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