Author’s Note: Some dialogue has been translated from the original Italian into Waterfordian by the author.
Monday 12th Oct
Woke up just before 6 to go for a run on the new route that I felt out (with my face) yesterday. Now at home I usually go at 7 before anyone else is up so I can have the world to myself, but I said I’d go that bit earlier over here seeing as that everyone gets up that bit earlier.
Well I went out the front door and you’d swear it was 3 o’ clock of a Saturday. Everyone was in full swing! Sickener. Anyway I was jogging along minding my own business when the elastic in my hair snapped. Grand I says and I just ran on, hair streaming out behind me in two flaxen curtains, or so I was imagining at least. Well it certainly must have looked inviting because I had to stop at a red man and then an old perv came along and put his hand up to my head and ran his fingers through my hair. What can I say only GAWD! I had no choice but to run on, mostly because the skin on my scalp had crawled off my head and was peggin it up the road ahead of me!
That evening I went to start training for the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, namely ROWING! I had a look at the map and it’s not too far away. Great I says and I start off.
You know when you move to a different country, it is pretty hard to get everything right all the time. Some things have to be learned and don’t come naturally, like, for example, the whole kissing people on greeting them thing. Well I walked in the door right into the middle of a huge circle of lads. The trainer turned around and says “well girl!” to the girl in front of me, and shakes her hand and kisses her cheeks. Then he turns to me and says “well girl!” so I said to myself, ok just do what the other girl did. So I leaned in for the kiss and…DENIED. I had me lips puckered and all, eyes half closed like when someone takes a picture of you when you’re in the horrors. I almost DIED. The feeling of awkwardness was PALPABLE. Oh GAWD. I have no idea what happened for the rest of the night because I think I blacked out with the mortification.
Tuesday 13th Oct
A pretty uneventful day, except that I was crossing the road, on a zebra crossing, ie playing chicken with oncoming cars, when two fellas in a mini nearly knocked me down. The car skidded to a halt inches away from me and a fella crossing the road towards me from the opposite side shouted at the fellas in the car “it’s a sin to kill an angel!”. You can’t beat it can you lads.
Last night’s embarrassing kissing incident is playing on my mind. Every few minutes I think of it and it causes me a physical pain. It reminds me of a time in Lush with a customer (all my fellow Lush employees are laughing already because they know what I am going to say) that is almost as embarrassing but the kissing thing is more embarrassing solely because it involved kissing. A woman of about 60 came in to the shop and she had on the same gold converse as I had, except mine were the real deal and hers were knock offs. I touched my toe to hers and I said “you have good taste in shoes” or something. Then we were chatting and I asked “where did you get those shoes?” and she said “Dunnes” and I said “Goway” and she put her hand up in a high five motion and made a face like “give me some skin sistren I got me some badass muthafuckin shoes” so I went to give her a hearty high five just as she said “Five euro”. That’s right folks - she wasn’t putting her hand up to give me a high five, she was merely putting up her five fingers to demonstrate how much she paid for the shoes. But at this point it was too late, my hand was mid-air and travelling at speed so I had to finish the most awkward high five in the history of mankind. Oh God, lets just move on to Wednesday.
Wednesday 14th Oct
Still haven’t quite gotten over the kissing thing, but have to go to training tonight so I try (and fail) to put it at the back of my mind. Walk in the door, head down, and just shout Ciao! and go to leg it up the stairs, but am met with a chorus of Ciao! and then the trainer pops his head out of the office door and says Ciao, Jenny-fare! as if he is genuinely happy to see me. He remembered my name and everything. Usally “Biondina” (little blonde) is the best I get, but this made me feel good. Clearly the whole thing has blown over. So I go for my run and do my time on the machines and then I hop into the boat and grab the oars. Rowing away anyway and the trainer is like ok stop there lads and then he is walking next to me and he looks down to check my form and the next thing his face cracks into a huge smile and he goes “oh my God what size are your feet?” I’m like 36 and he goes “awwwwww, you’ve got the tiniest little feet, hahahha! Lads look at jenny-fare’s feet, hahaha, they are so small” and then passing lads are like “hahaha you are so tiny look at your feet”. It reminded me of the time Noel Langford measured his hand against my foot. Yes, the hand was bigger. Considerably.
Anyway then I am rowing away and I start to think about the kissing thing and I become mortified and I lose my whole rhythm and then he comes over and says here let me show you. “Show me what?” I am thinking and the next thing he has his hands on mine and is rowing with me, going back and forth with me. Well lads. It would have been a sexy moment out of a
Thursday 15th Oct
I’ve really outdone myself this time. This is a week for embarrassing moments. I ran down to the supermarket at the last minute for a few bottles of water. It’s not the one I usually go to because it’s horrible in there and there is a total sleazebag workin in there. Anyway I had to lean over him to grab a packet of rubber gloves and he turns around, literally inches from me and gives me the sleaziest, filthiest look up and down, Basically he raped me with his eyes. I was in a pretty good mood, but just the way he did it, made me lose it. And here is where the horror began.
Let me just educate you fine people for a second. The Italian word for tit is tetta. The Italian word for head is testa. These two words are very easy to get mixed up. So I said to him “why the fuck does everyone look at me like that – as if I had two tits?” You know the way everyone else only has one like. Well he burst out fuckin laughing and I nearly fainted in horror. I had to go through the checkout then and yer wan on the till was pissin herself. I am NEVER going in there again. I would rather die of thirst.
Friday 16th Oct
This morning I got up early because I had to go into town to do a few things. When I left the room there was a cleaning trolley on the landing and the cleaning lady was in the kitchen. I walked past and said hello on my way out, and there followed an exchange that really pissed me off.
So the normal text is what we really said, and the italics is what we were thinking.
Cleaning lady: Hey, young wan!
Jen: Yes? (you ignorant bitch)
CL: Are you new here? (I am enthralled by your other-worldly beauty)
J: I am.
CL: Well clean the hob after yourself, you are so dirty it’s disgusting.
J: EX-CUUUUUUUUSE ME? (Why I oughtta...! *Inwardly shakes fist)
CL: Clean up after yourself, I am not a slave.
J: Don’t speak to me like that. I am not a child. And I didn’t make that mess – how could I when there is no pan to use? (Must get a lend of them Deirdre Barlows off ya girl – for Saturday night like)
CL: I don’t care who did it – I’m not cleaning this again. (It’s not my job to clean things –I am a cleaning lady – not a ….oh wait)
J: Well I care if you speak to me like that (yeh bibe, yeh)
CL: Sorry this just annoys me. Please tell your friends to clean the hob after themselves. ( I am so morto right now, clearly I have met my match)
J: Tell them yourself. Bye. (Victorious – to the tune of Notorious)
CL: Goodbye, Miss.
Well I was raging. And her trying to make up for it at the end then. Knobend. I saw her two more times that day too. Each time she flashed me a “winning smile”. I would have smiled back, were I not distracted by her Nora Battys.
Training again tonight. Nice rigorous workout. Come home and catch a glimpse of the bod – transformations are taking place. 2 more weeks and I’ll be RIPPED.
Saturday 17th Oct
On my out to the vending machine this morning I met the same cleaning lady AGAIN on the path. She put her hand up to her chest and said “nice tits”. I just don’t know lads.
Sunday 18th Oct
Well I was too lazy to go to the supermarket yesterday so I decided to go today, when it would be nice and quiet like last Sunday. Also, I have no food so it is probably best that I go today. Head down, and the whole place is shuttered up. WTF? It was open last Sunday and the Sunday before! Head back to the room to do a stocktake. A tin of tuna and a pound of grapes. Ok, I can work with this. I better watch True Blood all day though. To conserve energy stores like.