Week Thirty Four

Lads now I thought this week was going to be great what with starting my new job and everything falling into place, but you know what they say - he giveth, and he taketh the fuck away.

Monday 7th June

Who gives a flying fionnuala.

Tuesday 8th June

Pales in comparison to the upcoming horror.

Wednesday 9th June

Ooh I'm all excited! Today I get to start my new job in Milan. Got up, did meself up to the nines, headed off on the train. Had some stomach cramps but put it down to being over excited.

Had a great first day, rocked that shit and was going home all smug after my shift. By now the cramps were really strong, but shur I only have to stick it out for 30 minutes on the train and then BBB is waiting for me at the station in Pavia.

One stop. Crampy crampy cramp cramp. Hang in there Jennie girl, only a few more stops to go.

Second stop. Grit the teeth. Grit them!

Third stop. Oh Christ, oh Jesus!

Whump!

That's the sound of my skull cracking off the ground.

Draaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaag.

That's the sound of me being dragged off the train onto the platform.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzip!

That's the sound of my trousers being unzipped by one of fifty thousand crowder arounders.

Mee maw mee maw mee maw!

That's the sound of the ambulance coming along.

"Christ look at the colour of her!"

That's the sound of the first thing the ambulance man said.

Lads I was terrified. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I only had a few cramps like. Now I was lying on the platform and my hands and legs were seizing up and my face was gone numb. And the cramps, the cramps!

On the way to the ambulance as the ceiling tiles whizzed by the ambulance man looked down at me and said "Are you pregnant?"

"No", I said.

"Oh", he goes.

Oh? Oh??!!! What the fuck does that mean? Now that really scared the shit out of me. All sorts of things started going through my fuzzy head. I was like:

Pleeeeeeeeeease don't let me be having a miscarriage when I didn't even know I was pregnant! Please God let my imaginary baby be ok!

Then I started thinking maybe I was having an ectopic pregnancy like Christina out of Grey's Anatomy.

They took me off to some hospital in Milan. I didn't know me own name, never mind where I was. I couldn't collapse in Pavia like, oh no. I had to do it away from home. Anyway they wheeled me into the emergency room where there were approximately five thousand people and left me on the trolley.

I have never felt so alone or so far away from home in my life.

Some student doctor came over and started asking me questions but my face was still seized up and I couldn't move my mouth to talk. Then they left me on the trolley against the wall.

And lads I was in pain. I was wriggling around the trolley and roaring and screaming. And would you blame me like, I was fucking delirious and my muscles were all spasming. I was fucking terrified.

Then some lovely woman who was there with her Mammy came over and she was like

"Are you in terrible pain love? You poor thing!"

I managed a mangled:

"Please hold my hand."

The she was holding my hand and minding me and her Mammy came over and was rubbing my little feet and kissing my forehead and pinching my cheeks.

Now can we all just take a minute to mentally send out good vibes to these two women.

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...ok.

I thought to myself, thank GOD these two just happened to be here at the same time as me! Then the daughter looked down at me and she said:

"Do you believe in our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"

"Eh...yeah", I goes.

What like? I was hardly going to say

"Actually Missus, Jesus and Mary and all the rest of them lads aren't real, they are only symbols of the strength we already have inside ourselves so instead of praying to them for strength you should be looking inside yourself for it."

There's a time and a place, people.

So anyway there I am in some hospital in Milan, half dead on a trolley being minded by some lovely women.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

BBB has been waiting for me at the Pavia train station. He has been calling and calling my phone, which has been dead for hours. My train hasn't come in yet, and there's an announcement:

"The 20.30 train from Milan has been delayed an hour due to a medical emergency."

"Everything is ok", he keeps telling himself.

The train pulls up. A girl gets off.

"Are you waiting for your girlfriend?" she says to him.

Sweat starts rolling down his back.

"I am."

"Is she small and blonde and foreign?"

Mini stroke.

"She is."

"They took her away in an ambulance, she's alright though."

Sprints onto the next train to Milan.

The train departs and the conductor comes along.

Sidenote: conductors are Nazis.

"Where's your ticket, son?"

"That was MY missus that got taken away at Milano Rogoredo!"

"Jesus Christ. She was in a bad way. No problem, boy, no need for a ticket here".

BBB then got off the train at Milano, got the underground to the last stop and then sprinted the 47 miles to the hospital along a field that a road sweeper told him to take as a short cut.

I'm sure his muscles were rippling as he was doing it.

I wouldn't be surprised if he swang on a vine at some point.

Meanwhile the two ladies that were minding me had to go and they took my number and then everyone else in the room stepped up to the plate. My phone was taken out of my handbag and charged, someone rang BBB for me, someone let me use their phone to call one of my clients to drive up to Milano and pick me up. My head was stroked, my cheeks were pinched, my face was kissed, my feet were rubbed.

I was still dying though. And I'll tell you one thing lads, you are NEVER too old to need your Mammy!

The next thing, BBB comes flying around the corner, "Amore!"

I have never been so relieved before in my life.

He looks around.

"Where's the doctor here? Who's in charge? Nurse!"

I fell in love all over again.

Then my client and her husband came in. I love this woman, she is my Italian Mammy. I always say that if anything ever happened to me I'd call her straight away and I did and she drove straight up to get me.

After a few hours of being ignored and being handed a plastic bag to puke into (thanks lads, thanks a mil. Not even a kidney dish like) I thought I felt better so we decided to go home.

BBB brought me home to bed and put his arms around me.

"Go to sleep now Amore it's all over."

Yeah, it was all over, right?

Wrong.

Thursday 10th June

Mother of the divine Lord!

Woke up with unbelievable cramps.

Balled my head off because I was down to work today and I didn't want to give a bad impression but christ like, I could barely stand.

BBB brought me to A&E.

I was seen straight away. They took blood, they x-rayed my stomach, they put me on a drip. The next thing the (smokin hot) doctor busts in.

"Jesus girl I don't know how you're standing, you have no feckin haemoglobin, you need a blood transfusion. BBB - go home and pack her bag, she will be here a few days."

No! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Ok let me explain.

I am the ultimate world's most squeamish person. I have no problem with injections, they are grand. Giving blood however, I can't even think or talk about it and I have to sit down. Drips as well. Rotten. Blood transfusions? Look, I'm grand, I'll just die, thanks.

So BBB went home to get my things and I'm not ashamed to say lads, I had a little cry on the chair. It was just all too much like. Far away from home, collapsing on the train, the whole ambulance thing, blood transfusion. Enough like, I'm supposed to be prancing around Lush rubbing cream into people's arms right now.

So then the ambulance man came to take me to my room. I stumbled up the hall anyway with cartoon birdies flying around my head and this young fella in a white coat goes,

"Here she is now! She's pale, but she's on her feet!"

They took me to my room. I faceplanted on the bed.

The young fella is my doctor. He tells me he is the same age as me. I don't know how I feel about this. The male nurse comes in to give me an ECG. There is a booby show. I silently thank God for my perfectly formed mammaries.

Then I am whisked away for 47 thousand tests in quick succession. One of them is a TAC where it's the scan yoke where they inject you with contrast fluid. Of course now I don't know anything about these things, so I didn't know the contrast fluid is hot. First it burned the fucking hand off me and I roared with the fright. Then it went down me main artery into my groin and it was all hot and it happened so fast I thought I was after weeing on myself!

I was lying there like "Oh Christ when I get up now I hope there's not a big wet patch on the table - morto!" But then the nurse came in and goes "did that burn the bod off you girl? It's roastin alright"

Thank fuck.

Then after 42 squillion more tests they brought me back to the room and put me on a 7 thousand drips. BBB slept in the plastic chair with his head on the pillow next to mine. I was awake all night with my head turned away from the drip, so as to avoid projectile vomiting.

Friday 11th June

Had to battle my way to the loo, wheeling the drip along with me, and subsequently mangling it past the cleaning trolley that was parked in the door of the loo.

And lo! Mother Nature's Monthly Gift! What joy! What fun!

Go back to the room anyway with my "I-just-got-mother-nature's-monthly-gift-now-you-have-to-feel-sorry-for-me-for-5-days" look on my face.

"Ah love, did you get your menstruation?" he goes. "Into the bed now til I mind ya".

A short while after the nurse comes in.

"Signorina you are booked for a gyno visit at half one."

Kill me.

I count the seconds til half one.

They wheel me away past the pregnancy clinic. Loads of pregnant knackers are lurking around with their fat knacker impregnators, gawkin up into my face. We get to the waiting room and they leave me in there with pregnant starers. Gawkin up into my face and talking about me overright me, discussing all the drip yokes stickin out of me and the gauze taped to my arms in the seventeen places they took blood from between yesterday and today.

If I wasn't half dead I'd say somthing smart.

The next thing the doctor comes in "Jennifer, you're with me."

Of course it's man.

Of course it is like.

Anyway we go into the room which is a room within a room. The door of the inner room is open. Obviously I assume this is because the outer door is locked and guarded by fire breathing dragons so I assume the position and he gets down to doing what he does best.

Then next thing some wan walks in.

"Giovanni boy I don't know what the fuck I did with that box of gloves I had earlier, well Missus how are ya" she goes and starts rooting in some drawer.

Eh....hello like? Bit of privacy like?

While she is rooting in the drawer another wan walks in "That file is out there on the table for you. I'm going to the shop do you want anything? Howeyeh Missus." she says to us, so close to my undercarriage that it nearly had an echo.

Lads. Come on now. Italians just take the biscuit with this kind of shit. They really don't give a fuck about privacy or anything like that.

Then we went into another room for part deux. "Lep up there Ms. Jack-es" he goes, pointing to a stirruped bed in front of an open window. Just an open window like, looking out onto Pavia. Hang on til I whip out Fifi now to make friends with a passing builder.

Afterwards anyway he said all is perfect and well in my lady garden, thank god. I was lovely and relieved then so when they took me back to my room I went for a nice nap with BBB minding me.

So just a tangent here people: THIS is the reason why I always wear nice matching underwear and have my lady garden perfect at all times. Because you never know when some strange man is going to put a probe up your Mary Bridget. My mother laughs at me and tells me I am obsessed and have a problem with the whole matching lovely underwear thing but at the end of the day when I was lying on the train platform and they opened my trousers I didn't give a shite because I knew I was wearing something fabulous. Ladies: let this be a lesson to ye!

Anyway then they gave me antibiotics and I slept like a dead body in the bed.

Saturday 12th June

Yesssss! I get to go home today! I had an infection in my intestines but it seems to be gettin better and my bloods are back up to normal levels. BBB comes to get me and I hobble home down the road.

There is nothing like getting back into your own bed lads.

Now can we just take a moment to reflect on how amazing BBB has been through all this. He never left my side for a second and he fought for me to get the best reatment the whole way. He held my little feet and told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world even when I was cockeyed in the bed with a big unwashed head on me.

God he really loves me.

And I really love him.

Despite all the terrible things that happened this week, I am one lucky bitch.

Week Thirty Three

Monday 31st May

It's another gorgeous day in Pavia so meseff and himseff head out onto the grass to do a bit of study. After lunch I enjoyed a nice fruit salad and by then it was too hot to go back outside so we took our positions on the bed and continued studying there.

All was well until I felt a certain activity going on in my innards. Something untoward was definitely brewing. All of a sudden it was like my whole insides went into spasm and I had the worst cramps I have ever had in my life.

"Oooooooooooooooooow!" I was screeching.

"Jesus, what's wrong Love?" says he.

"I am not joking you I have some cramp!" said I, while contorting myself into every position of the Karma Sutra, trying to make myself feel better when finally:

Pfffffffffffffffft.

A little mini whisper fart.

I couldn't describe the relief.

"Oh thank God, I feel so much better", said I, and lay back down in my position, grateful that there was no smell.

No smell on my end of the bed.

"Oh MADONNA, Amore!" he roars, "Go into the toilet or something!"

"Stop being a drama queen BBB, there's no sm....oh christ that's bad!"

What can I say lads? Fruit salad is a bitch like that.

Then he was like sniffing the air going "ewwwwwwwwwww! bleuuuuuuuurgggggghhhhhhh!"

"Here's an idea!", I goes, "stop fucking sniffing it then!"

"I'm not sniffing it, I have to breathe like", he goes, all indignant.

What has the world come to when you can't even fart in peace in your own home?

Tuesday 1st June

Now it's no secret that I have fallen into the black hole of depression. Generally when this sort of carry on happens I think it's a great idea to stuff my face for a few weeks and get really fat. Surely that will lift my sullen mood, like. Anyway, I have been stuffing my face all the time lately and have not been running so you can only imagine the size of me.

Oonga boonga.

Today however, something happened to lift the oul depression. In fact it blew the depression out of the water.

Before Easter I handed my CV into Lush in Milano. I LOVE Lush stuff and I worked there for a year in Dublin so I thought, imagine now if I could work in a lovely shop that I love and do it in Italian? Double whammy of deadliness like. I know some Lush shops can be annoying because there are some serious knob ends working in some of them but the one I was working in was lovely and relaxed.

Anyway I never heard anything from them so I thought I didn't tickle their fancy. After all I'm only trilingual with a year's experience in the same company like.

Wait for it...

Last week they rang me to come in and do an interview and some demos and I have to say now lads I rocked it. I fucked up once or twice on a bit of grammar but I did a deadly demo and I had them in the knots with my wit and charm. Sure you know the way you'd be like. When you're witty and charming like.

Anyway they rang me today and offered me a one year contract.

I did a little dance.

So yeah, I'm staying here for another year.

This solves so many problems for me, because I was all depressed and up in a heap the last few weeks (did you guess?) because I was worried about next year. I felt like my Italian had reached a plateau and I wasn't learning anything new, like I was only using the Italian I already knew and I was all pissed off over it. Plus Eddie says no to college next year.

But now that I have the job I will learn so much so fast. I will constantly be out of my comfort zone so I will have to push myself hard.

Working in there I will be fairly close to fluent by the time the year is up and I can return to finish my degree like a smug fluent bitch with my thesis done and all my (two) classmates will hate me and want me to die. Hee hee.

AND I can save like a mofo and all my financial worries will be over for my last year in college!

Lads I feel so relieved I couldnt even describe it to ye.

I feel like someone just handed me a second chance on a silver plate.

And I'm taking the hand an' all off them.

Wednesday 2nd June

Woke up this morning and wasn't feeling great so I said I'd try and sleep it off. My hayfever has really been ruining my life lately. Nothing I take works so I am constantly snotting and sneezing and my brain always needs to be scratched and I can't remember the last time I had a lovely sleep cos I'm up all night snotting into a cotton knickers cos I have no hanky and tissues have my nose ripped to shreds.

That's a trick I learned from Mammy. When you are at home sick with a cold always use a nice soft cotton knickers or somesuch to blow your nose so you won't destroy your face. Well I think I left it go a bit far before I switched to the knickers, cos not only is my nose raw and bleeding, but me top lip is like a barren desert.

Anyway as a result of never sleeping I'm always knackered so I thought if I tried to have a mini sleep I would feel better.

Wrong.

Somehow all the snot inside my head formed like a kind of bubble on the inside of my skull and started pushing against the front of my face and the top of my head. The pressure and the pain was unreal! BBB came home and drugged me up to the last and I finally felt better. About two hours later he goes:

"How are you feeling now love?"

"Much better after that Aulin", I goes.

"Ah you only needed to see me to feel better didnt you?"

"Ah yeah."

Nothing to do with the industrial strength painkillers you gave me like.

Thursday 3rd May

We had the washing machine booked for today so we were sorting the things that need to be washed. Being a woman, I was separating whites from coloureds and so on.

"What are you doing?" BBB asked me.

"You can't wash coloureds with whites", I answered.

"Oh yes you can!" he said, producing a little red box "with Grey's colour catchers!"

I just looked at him. I was expecting Barry Scott to jump out from under the bed and Cillit Bang a penny for me. You can't be having your pennies going around dull now.

"No I don't trust those things", I said, but he assured me he used them every time so I reluctantly put my few whites and pales into the laundry hamper.

Two hours later, when he brought the stuff back up, I was folding everything to put it away and I noticed that not everything was pink, or even grey. No, thanks to his orange bathrobe everything was a lovely pissy yellow colour.

All my little white vests were a lovely hue of pisswater. All his white t shirts however, somehow came out cream coloured, ie totally wearable.

Jammy bastard.

Friday 4th June

This is what happened last night.

INT. apartment. Late afternoon. Laura is sitting at a table watching Glee. The phone rings.

Brrrrrrrrrrrring!

Laura: Hello?

Jen: Well girl how's yourself?

Laura: (In American accent) I'm graaaaaand, what's up?

I love when she says all my little Irish Jennie things in her American accent. Highlight of my life: when she said "shur God love him".

Jen: Are we doing anything this weekend?

Laura: Nope.

Jen: Will we go to Ireland tomorrow?

Laura: What?

Jen: Yeah fuck it come on will we go?

Laura: Yeah! On my God let's go!

Jen: We're mad so we are!

And that's how meseff and herseff went to Ireland today.

I didn't realise until we were on the road though how much I really wanted to go home. How much I wanted to just be in my parent's house and be minded a little bit.

Daddy was waiting for us at the train station.

Now lads there is something about Daddies that makes my heart hurt a small bit. So when I saw my lovely Daddy I burst out crying and snotting up into his face.

How unlike me, usually I only cry in private because I am very proud. Even when I was small and fell in the playground in school I kept it in boy. I never wanted anyone to see me crying ever. The second I got home though, all bets were off. I don't know how my mother didn't "bate" me.

Anyway I don't know why I was so emotional when I saw Daddy. Probably because I was down innthe dumps for so long and now suddenly everything is going grand again I was so delighted. Went home to find Mammy and my niece Lily and my little dog were waiting at the end of the drive for me. Any lump in me throat, nah? Then Hazel brought my number one man in the whole world, my nephew Jack out to see me and shur I was made up.

Had a great night, meseff and Laura were stuck to the telly. Meseff and BBB dont have a telly in our house and Laura only has a baby one so imagine how lovely it was to watch a nice bit of Four Weddings in English. Top notch lads.

Saturday 5th June

Today meseff and Laura headed into the sprawling metropolis of Waterford and raped Penneys.

Then right, on our way home we passed The Open Door and I said, I'll just run in here a sec because they usually have some nice pieces.

Sure enough, I found an out of this world top and I went in to try it on. I pulled my top up over my head and hung it on the hanger and was just putting the other top over my head when I looked up.

At the security camera over the dressing room looking directly down on me.

Jesus I didn't know what to think!

The first thing that came into my mind was some perv sitting in the back room watching me try on a top. But I just said what harm shur there is no point getting upset over it. After all my breasticles are nothing short of majestic.

But now it's playing on my mind a small bit.

The camera was one of those ones that's in a bubble. So you dont know which way it's pointing. But just having it over the changing room. Christ like. There's something amiss there.

Sunday 6th June

Today we went out to Mahon Falls and had a pickernic.

Daddy tried to make me fall over by making me look up at the mountaintop while I was walking and then he did and he fell.

Then we went out to Tramore and we were up the Doneraile where there is an old cannon. We took forty seven million pictures of all of us on top of it and I was holding the camera and I said:

"Jesus we are getting out money's worth out of this cannon!"

and then Daddy pointed at the camera and goes

"Oh is that a Canon?"

Lads.

Why aren't there bidets in Ireland?

Week Thirty

I’d like to say a big thanks to KFS for the much needed kick up the hole that was required for me to post this. Lately I have been losing the will to blog, opting instead to spend my daylight hours in the foetal position making low pitched whining sounds, moving only to lift croissants to my lips. Night time hours are spent sneakily farting on BBB’s leg and then giggling into my hand.

Monday 3^rd May

Last Thursday night when I came home from rowing BBB said to me:

“Next Friday we are going down to Mesagne, I’ve already booked your ticket”.

“Oh right”, says I, “hang on til I have forty seven heart attacks now over meeting every one of your family members as well as everyone you ever knew whilst simultaneously sweating my ball bags off in jeans because I have no summer clothes. Oh and eh thanks.”

“You’re welcome love”.

Anyway tonight we were going out for Sadie’s birthday. It was wonderful and everything but that is not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about something a bit more sinister:

Ire.

Now boys and girls don’t you be acting like you never got it in your life, especially if you do exercise. If you must know, it’s the reason I don’t wear skirts in summer.

Anyway I went to Sadie’s gaff all dolly dickied up in my lovely frock and high heels thinking I was the bee’s knees but shur I wasn’t to the end of the stairs in my own house when discomfort struck. And I ain’t talking about the shoes people. My two inner thighs were stallin the heads off each other. I knew it was going to be a rough 45 minute walk into Sadie’s.

Now I can hear ye all “put a pair of tights on love”.

No! NO! I REFUSE to wear tights!

Imagine me in a pair of tights. Me like, who gets a dose of the heebie jeebies at the very suggestion of a hypothetical situation which involves me leaving the house in mismatched underwear. The way women look in tights just makes me want to puke. Like a Country Style skinless sausage. Not to mention the sweaty gusset situation. No thank you. So away I went in my stockings instead.

Big mistake.

By the time I got to the end of Sadie’s road I was a broken woman. If anyone looked out the window of their house as I was approaching they would have seen me doing the John Wayne down the road. Lads I was nearly in tears. On the way home I had to borrow a pair of ends from Laura because I knew I wouldn’t make it home without exposing some bone.

God what a nightmare. But shur look, it will come in handy if I am ever kidnapped and then thrown blindfolded from a moving vehicle into woodland and have to find my way back, all I have to do to start a fire is go for a brisk walk, using my skirt as kindling and tah dah! A roaring fire in seconds!

Tuesday 4^th May

Got up, opened the shutter, saw the torrential rain, went back to bed.

Wednesday 5^th May

Now lads can we just talk for a minute.

All you ladies and possibly some gentlemen (swimmers?) out there will be able to sympathize with me on this one.

Is it just me or is it literally impossible to shave your legs without shaving off at least a square foot of flesh?

Today I was shaving me legs at my beloved bidet (is there anything it can't do?) and lo! I made the tiniest nick and two seconds later there was blood squirting everywhere. Bloody handprints on walls etc. It was like a scene out of psycho.

I just don’t get it like. You are shaving away happy as Larry and you feel the tiniest sting ever invented so you take no notice. You rinse the razor and then you look back at your leg and you can see down to the bone!

I don’t know lads, I don’t be able. I always use a new razor every time, I’ve tried every brand but I swear there is no getting away from it. Had I but the time and money and unsensitive skin I would Nair my legs into oblivion the whole time.

I remember one time I cut the knee off myself in the shower and I nearly fainted. Like literally cut the knee off myself. There was a space between my calf and my thigh. Just a void. No I can’t go any further, I’m way too squeamish to relive this.

I just thank God I’m not a man, cos then every morning in the bathroom it would be Face Off all over again.

Thursday 6^th May

Ooh getting all excited now! BBB had a match tonight at 10pm ( I KNOW – some shit time to have a match like) so I had to pack both our suitcases. In one way it was nice that I didn’t have him under my feet while I was trying to count out his underpants (always bring 2 spare – you never know!) but it was kind of shit as well because I had to do the Holiday Excitement Dance on my own. At about 1am I was knackered so I hit the hay and fell asleep straight away. The next thing I woke up with a start – BBB was back and he wanted people in Tokyo to know about it. He was clopping around the TILED FLOOR with his football boots, rooting in the depths of every drawer ever built by a human hand.

“Jesus CHRIST! Could you be making any more noise?” I said, in my half asleep voice, half in English half in Italian with my bun like a pineapple on the top of my head, only one of my eyes looking at him (the other one was still in Sleepy Town).

“Ok sorry Love”, he goes, and then proceeds to root in the back of the wardrobe instead. And I’m fairly sure he was zipping and unzipping something as well. With a tuba.

One of these days I’ll root up his arse with my foot.

Friday 7^th May

Ooh it’s the big day! We are heading down to his home town! Now it’s no secret that I get all up in a heap when I have to go to the shop, so imagine what I’m like when I travel. The last time we were in Dublin airport and BBB said to me,

“Amore, can I tell you something?”

“Of course”, says I, thinking it’s going to be something rosemantic about how much he enjoyed being part of my world or some soppy shit like that.

I turned my face to his and looked dreamily into his eyes, waiting for his reply.

“You are some bollix when you travel”.

So this time I was determined to change!

“I promise I’ll do my best not to be a bollix today, ok?”

“Ah no, be a bollix all you want girl, no bodder”, says he.

“If you insist then.”

We got down to his house with minimal bollixing in the evening and I met his brother and his Daddy and then we went to stay in their summer house, just me and BBB. It was fabulous so it was, lovely big garden, swimming pool, nice relaxed atmosphere.

My only qualm was there was some questionable fauna down there. Now I’m no arachnophile lads, so imagine me when these big yokes with ten heads and seventeen legs the size of an elephant started emerging from the undergrowth. No now. Sorry. Just no.

I went to throw something in the bin in the kitchen and was reaching for the handle of the bin lid when my eyes focussed on the biggest grasshopper I have ever seen perched there. It was at least three inches big lads I’m not joking, I mean it’s roasting hot down there. I was taking in the breath do leave out a roar when he jumps ten feet in the air and I actually choked on my own breath. I think the shock actually stopped my heart for a moment.

I'm not cut out for this type of carry on.

Saturday 8^th May

The strangest thing is happening. I seem to be falling even more in love with BBB. Oh dear – this is not ideal. This is not ideal at all. It would be very convenient for me to stop loving him right now. That way the inevitable suffering and heartbreak of my leaving can be avoided. But no, seeing him in his natural habitat is just amazing. And so is the feeling of how nicely I’ve slotted in down here.

I’m finding it so hard to enjoy the moment though because my mind is frantically skipping ahead to the pain.

Tonight we went to Brindisi with his bestest bud, who recently had his heart broken. On the way back BBB was consoling him a bit while I was sitting in the back.

“Ah no now don’t be thinking like that. There’s someone better out there for you. I mean my uncle [let’s call him Jimmy] was only saying to me this morning that I shouldn’t settle down when I’m nineteen, that I have my whole life ahead of me, and you never know who I might meet etc etc”

Of course now he was so caught up in consoling his friend that he neglected to notice that I was sitting in the back seat listening. He really shouldn’t have said that in front of me. I mean I did my bestest not to take it personally, shur for all his family know I am just some blow-in gringo.

I mean he is right. BBB is only 19. When I was 19 shur I was off out gallavantin, going off to live in obscure countries cos I wanted everyone to piss off and leave me alone. Bit of peace and quiet like. Of course he should not be settling down with the first aul wan who falls in love with him.

I just think it’s so sad, because I’m not 19. No siree bob. I’m not 19 at all. Not even a little bit. And I’ve done plenty of gallavantin and now I feel like it would be nice to gallivant with someone who roots in drawers at inappropriate times of the night.

As sad as I was I was pissed off as well. Pissed off a small bit with Jimmy like. Now I KNOW it was nothing personal, shur he hardly knows me. He was just giving some man-to-man advice to his nephew.

But piss off like. Piss right off! Doesn’t he think I don’t know these things? Doesn’t he think I want what’s best for BBB?

So there I was sitting in the back of the car, the lights of Brindisi flashing past, and all the sadness and the anger just kind of welled up and I really tried my best to hold it back, I really did, but big fat tears started rolling down my cheeks. Why couldn’t I have met him ten years from now? Or even five? For fuck sake like. Then we stopped at the monument in Brindisi port and I had to rub my face on the back of my sleeve, but it was too late.

“What’s wrong love?”

“A bit of an allergy.”

“You’re crying!”

“You shouldn’t have said that thing that Jimmy said in front of me.”

“Oh Christ I’m so sorry I was only trying to console him.”

And then we had to smile for a photo. This one in fact.

Sunday 9^th May

Om nom nom today we had a lovely big BBQ.

While preparing for this BBQ, BBB told me to collect some pine cones from the garden for the fire. Grand says I, and set off picking up the giant pine cones, using my top as a kind of apron, loving seeing him all manly at the grill while I skip around gathering pine cones.

“How wonderfully idyllic, no - rustic”, I thought to myself as I reached for another pine cone.

Then suddenly, the dream was shattered. I put my delicate white hand on a pine cone, just as a giant monstrosity of a spider, a burger with legs, was crawling onto it.

Needless to say I roared and fucked the pine cones back down onto the ground and ran off at top speed.

There’s such a thing as too rustic like.

Week Twenty Nine

I know, I know, no blog in two weeks! It's an outrage! But here's a nice fresh one so quit your bellyachin'!

Monday 26th April

Must not think about leaving BBB in a few weeks.

Must not think about that excruciating moment when the airport bus pulls out of the station and I have to wave goodbye for the last time in who knows how long. Must not think about pathetically sniffing whatever item of his clothing I secretly stole on my way to the airport. Must not think about that fact that I wouldn't care if it was a pair of underpants, I would sniff them anyway. Must not think about not waking up with my legs all tangled up in his. Must not think about how I won't be able to sleep if my hand isn't touching the top of his head. Must not think about the way I love him so much that sometimes I want to punch him in the face. Must not think about that gut punched feeling I will get when I see someone on some Dublin street that reminds me of him. Must not think about the way his hair gets all spiky in the shower. Must not think about the irritating way he gives me cooking advice even though he can't boil an egg. Must not think about the little side step he does when we are out and his underpants are up his arse. Must not think about the way he says 'menstruation'. Must not think about the way he paces back and forth at breakneck speed when he brushes his teeth.

Tuesday 27th April

Must not think about they way today after we saw a woman in a purple crushed velvet tracksuit with a severe black bob he said:

"She'd remind you of the fella out of The Chocolate Factory - Winky Wallah!"

Wednesday 28th April

Must not think about how every single time he gets undressed there is always a feather from our duvet sticking out from between the cheeks of his arse.

Thursday 29th April

Must not think about how at least one of his feet always sticks out from underneath the duvet:

Friday 30th April

Must not think about the way he went to Esselunga this evening in a pair of leggings just to buy our 89c prosecco.

Saturday 1st May

Must not think about the way he brought me home tonight on the handlebars of a stolen bike that he got for a cigarette because I wasn't well.

Sunday 2nd May

Must not think about how he rubs my head in the night when I can't sleep cos my hayfever is driving me crazy. Must not think about how the first thing he does in the morning is sweep up all my tissues from the night before. Must not think about the way he gives me a little love and a mind when I'm poorly.

But most of all, I absolutely must NOT, under any circumstances think about how it is best for him that we don't keep this going after I leave, no matter how much I want to, because at the end of the day he is 19 and he should be enjoying his time in college, not spend it missing me.

No I absolutely must not think about this.

Because that would just be too much.

Week Twenty Seven

This week I have the pleasure of introducing you to my new favourite weblog - The Loving Spoonful by the lovely Niamh. This is a brand spanking new food blog and lads her recipes are deadly! I love the way she writes, too. Basically I want to marry her. Meseff and Himseff are gone mad into the new recipes lately and our eyes are after wearing two holes in this girl's blog already! Om nom nom!

Now let's get down to business.

Monday 5th April

After four lovely days at home which were mainly filled with BBB's excited voice saying "Take a picture! Take a picture!" we headed up to the Big Smoke and checked into our hotel. You can only imagine our delight after four nights spent sleeping in seperate beds (I was grand actually because I had my electric blanket, but poor BBB had the sofa bed that his feet stick out the end of) when we walked into our room to discover our uber bed!

The joy! The delight!

And in true BBB style he exclaims "Look at this bed! Take a picture!" And so I did:

We spent our first night lurking around the city and taking in the sights before I introduced him to the WONDER that is the €1.99 chicken fillet roll from Centra. €1.99 for a tasty and filling roll - shur what more could you ask for?

Not cheese, cos that's 65c extra.

Tuesday 6th April

Today we went to the Guinness Storehouse. Lads, it was deadly. Usually I hate and am bored by touristy shite like factory tours but this was actually brilliant! Needless to say BBB couldn't cope. And I couldn't cope with how delighted he was. Shur God love him.

After the tour we went for lunch in what is probably my favourite restaurant in Dublin. I love it because I like the food in there, but there is just this one thing that irks me. For the most part, the staff are lovely and friendly, but one or two of them just give me ire. Like for example, the fella who met us at the door to seat us.

Now for the record, I think it's important when you work in a shop or some other public place to be nice and friendly at all times, but there is such a thing as being too friendly. Like as in over the top fake friendly. As in "I'm deadly cos I work here and I act like I own the place so I'm going to act overly familiar towards you" friendly, like the fella who seated us was. There was something in that laid back Bon Jovi mid '80's way he swaggered to the table as if he was seating us at the kitchen table of his own house that made me want to rip the poxy piercing out of his goatee'd chin.

I'd love to be like:

"Sorry do you know me? No? Oh. Right. No, it's just the way you're talking to me there that gave me the impression that you knew me. Now what are the specials?"

Anyway after lunch I was planning a major assault on Penneys. Needless to say I was going on and on about it, and BBB just didn't get it.

"I just don't understand why you are gettin so excited about a shop", he was saying.

"No, you just don't get it. Wait until we get there, and then you can judge."

We went into Penneys anyway and he was obediently following me through the aisles as I had my preliminary scan when we came to the shoe section, which is right next to the men's section.

"That T-shirt is nice", he said, pointing to the men's mannequin.

"Yeah it's lovely", I said.

"Wait it's...it's only four euro! Th.....this T-shirt is only four euro!" he goes.

"Yeah I know", I said.

"Look at this shirt! It's only NINE euro!" he squealed.

"BBB I know", I said.

"Here, hold my bag", says he, thrusting his belongings into my outstretched arms before bounding off into the clothing jungle.

"Look at this! No, this is nicer! Oh my GOD! SIX EURO! Jen - I have to try these on!"

Stop lads. He is so funny. I love shopping with him. He came proudly out of the changing room to model everything he picked. Every single thing he tried on looked amazing on him. I suppose that's what happens when you have a body like a fine cut diamond. In all the kerfuffle, I never got to look around or try anything on because we had to meet someone at 7, but we said we'd come back the next day for round two of the Penneys Grand Slam.

At 7 we met with a friend of BBB's and went for a few drinkypoos in the Hairy Lemon before going to meet my friends later at the Porter House. It was SO good to see them again. I have been kind of drifting along in the little world that I built for myself in Pavia so it was good to touch base again and see what everyone is up to. They are all crazy busy with their finals and the like, which made me all excited to get back to Dublin next year and finish up for myself.

After a while BBB and I decided we could drink no more and meandered home down Grafton street, accidentally getting a big mac meal and a triple whopper meal on the way.

Om nom nom.

Wednesday 7th April

Instead of the Penneys expedition we went on the free walking tour of Dublin, after which I ticked a major to do off my to do list when we met my cronies for lunch in the Gourmet Burger Kitchen. Lads, ANY burger and ANY drink for a tenner. I got the falafel burger which was scrumptious. My only qualm was that I couldn't pick it up and eat it burger style. I had to approach it with cutlery, which sort of sucks the joy out of the burger experience, to be honest.

In the afternoon we finally got back to Penneys but it was so packed and there was such a queue for the changing rooms I just couldn't face it. So we decided to just walk on through. I was absentmindedly looking around me so I wasn't really paying attention where we were going so I grabbed BBB's hand. It felt a bit small.

Suspiciously small.

I looked up.

I was holding some Indian fella's hand.

I didnt know how to react really. I'm not equipped for this kind of scenario. It hasn't happened to me since I was six and myself and Mammy were walking down Lady Lane in Waterford and I was off in a daydream and I went to hold Mammy's hand but I held some businessman's hand instead, WHO LEFT ME KEEP HOLDING IT until I copped on, and Mammy walking along behind us pissing herself with the laughing.

Anyway I just dropped his hand and turned to BBB who was bent double with the laughing, and the two of us nearly pissed our knickers laughing the whole way through Penneys.

After that we lurked around Dublino and then headed back to the room where BBB stayed while I went out and met my partner in crime for a drink, during which the most spectacular double-fail in history came into being.

We were sitting down minding our own business by the door of the pub, which, incidentally, was glass (can you guess where this is going?), but was CLEARLY marked with the name of the pub on it in sticker and a big steel handle. Anywho... the next thing this big poncey eejit swaggers down to the door, fag in mouth, pint in hand and WALKS STRAIGHT INTO THE DOOR. I am talking pint all over his t shirt, concertina'ed fag in his mouth like. He turned around and ran back up to his friends laughing. But he wasn't laughing as hard as we were, oh no.

About a half an hour later anyway he decided to come back for more punishment, the glutton. He sauntered down to the door and turned around to all his friends and goes "Look, it o-pens", in a fake-retard voice WHILE PROCEEDING TO PULL INSTEAD OF PUSH. So in fact, it didn''t open, oh no. He realised his mistake and quickly pushed the door and went outside, pretending it didn't happen while everyone inside the pub was inwardly dying of the awkwardness.

Classic.

Thursday 8th April

Well today is the stinky day that we have to go back to our hovel in Pavia after our lovely holiday.

Some bollix.

But I have to say I'm really looking forward to going back to Dublin in a few months. I love living in Dublin. Everyone always says "Oh I hate Dublin", but that is only because they have never lived there. As much as I am looking forward to going back to Dublin, it makes me a bit sad to think that my time here is slowly coming to a close.

Anyway we got back to Pavia and I went straight to work. I came home then and died a merry death in the bed.

Friday 9th April

Today I had the pleasure of meeting Laura's lovely parents. Now first let me outline the fact that I LOVE Laura. I think she was put on this earth to do fun activities with me and just generally be a lovely and admirable person in my vicinity.

Well after meeting her parents I know why she is like that. As we say in the Deise - she's from good stock, boy. Her parents are only edible! Her mother, first off, is a SUPERMODEL. I nearly fainted down dead on the floor when I saw her! I mean I saw pictures of her before so I knew she was gorgeous but in the flesh - I couldn't cope! Her beauty was hurtin my eyes like! And as for her Daddy - shur wouldn't you only run away with him! And didn't he whip out photies of Laura when she was little - he is so proud of her. Stop now lads, I was gettin a lump in me throat. Sadly, Laura said she was feeling dodgy so we went our separate ways.

Saturday 10th April

I texted Laura to see how she was and she was on her death bed. She was up all night sick she says. That's very unlike her now, she must have a stomach flu or whatnot.

I got her crackers to be munchin on in the supermarket and I called over to check she was still alive. She was. Only a small bit though. She was in bits, the poor thing, so meseff and himseff ran down to the pharmacy to get her some smelling salts and the like. I felt so sorry for her. I gave her a big cuddle cos I loves her.

Big mistake.

Sunday 11th April

Today meseff and himseff minded our business all day and then he made lovely focaccia and we sat down and had our dinner. Then I settled in to watching a film on the 'puter.

Then suddenly, and without warning, I came down with a dose of the vapours. I was feeling a bit light headed, a bit nauseous. I thought it was because I've been eating too much bread and now my intestines were punishing me, but it quickly became clear that it was something way more sinister! Laura was definitely after giving me stomach AIDS.

I was rolling around on the ground moaning and roaring. This might sound dramatic but if any of you have ever had gastroenteritis you will know that this behaviour is entirely appropriate. Then it all came to a terrible head. It was Tramore all over again.

"BBB!" I was screaming from inside the bathroom.

"What's happening? Can I get you something? Water? Pills?" he was shouting from the other side of the door.

"Yeah Love, I really need you to...put on some music", I said.

"What kind of music?" he asks.

"I don't give a shit JUST PUT IT ON!!!" I roared.

As if I care what kind of music is drowning out the sounds of my retching.

"Ok, ok!", he goes and puts on some Florence and The Machine.

I wish he hadn't. I really love florence and The Machine. But now and for the rest of my life I will associate that album with pissing out my arse.

Sigh.

Week Twenty Six

Monday 29th March

Oh my God the excitement! I'm going home on Wednesday! I spend most of the day making monkey noises and giving BBB excitement digs, in between running around and organising everything.

Tuesday 30th March

Today while BBB was at college I scrubbed the room to a sparkling shine. There is no WAY I am coming back off me holidays to a lacklustre hovel. Now I don't mind cleaning usually because I do it against the clock. To add the bit of excitement like.

But today folks, I did things a bit differently. I did them in me nudie. Just to see like. Just for an experiment. BBB has me doing things in me nudie a lot when he is not here. You see, he is always doing things in the noodle and it gets me wondering. It gets me curious like, what's so great about it?

Answer: plenty.

Wednesday 31st March

Couldn't sleep a wink last night with the Oakwood Syndrome. You know, when you are doing something amazing the next day and you are so excited you can't sleep. We got up at the crack of dawn and headed off anyway.

Now I feel I should just explain that I hate travelling. I get up in a heap for two days either side of any journey. I cannot stand it. I become an antichrist like. So my tactic with this is to put the headphones in and try to block it all out. BBB's strategy on the other hand, is to ask me every five seconds am I alright and why am I so silent. He will be fairly silent himself in a second when I dig the mouth off him.

Anywaaaaaaaay, after an hour on a bus, 2 hours flight and 2 and a half hours on the train, we finally got to Waterford, where I found out that my Daddy got off work early just to collect me. Awwwwww Daddy, you're the best!

Lads, I couldn't believe it. BBB was just fantastic. He was all shaking hands and claps on the back and chatting away no problem. I was like, he is so cool. For a minute like, I actually wanted to be him. If I ever go down to meet his family I won't say a word for a week I'll be so shy! His mother is coming up to visit us soon. If I was on meds, I would definitely have to up them for such an occasion.

I wish I was on meds.

Anyway BBB ended up going to watch the match in my brother's house with my father. "Ah lovely, now I can watch Grey Gardens", says I to myself, seeing as I rang Daddy weeks ago and asked him to Sky+ it for me. I sat down, jim jams on, snack in hand, snuggle sequence engaged, only to find that Mammy had erased it. Lovely. I was dying to see that, like dying. The original one like.

Tangent: I can't watch it on the interweb cos I can only find Divx links for it, and even though I have divx player downloaded onto my laptop, every time I open a link to a Divx player, it makes my interweb freeze and I have to close it all down. If a nice person would like to explain to me what I should do, that would be wonderful, please and thanks.

Thursday 1st April

Today we got the train up to Kilkenny (€11.40? Robbing bastards!) and had lunch with the lovely Gemma, who changed my life for the better with her roasted carrots!

Now it's no secret that I'm not into vegetables. I do like some of them, but I tend to eat the same ones all the time because the rest of them are an affront to the delicacy of my nature. As for carrots, I usually accept a spoonful with my Sunday dinner, but then I have to smother them in butter and eat them really fast first thing so then I can eat the rest of my dinner and wash away the non-taste of them.

But this time things were different - Gemma gave me roasted carrots and good lord. I nearly ate the fork an all! Fantastic they were! So fantastic that as I write this, myself and BBB are planning to have them with our dinner tonight!

Whatever about the roast carrots though - the dessert! The dessert, lads! It was to die for! Meringue roulade that she made herself. It was like art. I couldn't cope!

"Jesus look at that! Take a photo of that!" I said, and we were all so preoccupied with taking photos of the dessert that we forgot to take any of the four of us. We're smart like that.

Gemma courteously dropped us home to Mammy's then where Hazel and my nephew Jack were waiting. Lads now, couldn't cope with Jack. I wasn't able like. Running around the place he was! He even has a little dance that he does! Chest pains. Had to restrain myself from doling out the Love Digs.

We went out to Hazels then, where it was love at first sight between Hazel's husband and BBB and they went off to the pub while myself and Hazel went upstairs and had a fashion show. Ah, fun sisterly activities!

Hazel drove back down to the pub to collect the two boys anyway, and wasn't BBB after drinking 4 pints in an hour. The poor child. He was all starry-eyed gettin out of the car. And while inhaling a kebab. And also while snoring in my ear all night.

Love Digs.

Friday 2nd April

Today we had our walk around Waterford and I busted out the Shaws card. Only got two pairs of jeans though, I'm very disappointed in myself.

In the evening we went to Jac and Darragh's for dinner. Now lads, I actually wish ye were all friends with them so ye could all go to their house for dinner. It was the best dinner ever. Pea and mint soup to start with parma ham and a dollop of creme fraiche (every girl's best friend). Om nom nom. Lemon sole and concertina potatoes for the main that would make you want to eat the plate. All washed down with Bellinis and for dessert, white chocolate and baileys cheesecake. Now how is a person supposed to cope with the deliciousness? I had to have a lie down when I went home!

Saturday 3rd April

I was sick all night last night so I was a broken woman come morning time. I was having a nap on the couch, tangled up in BBB when Mammy woke me up.

"Jennifer!"

Me then, "Wha? WHA?" still asleep, jerking up off the couch, arms and legs all over the shop. You know the way you'd be.

"I need your help with something" says she.

"What is it?" says I.

Well that's what I tried to say but my mouth was so dry the words got stuck in there. My fringe looked like this:

"Just come here, I need help." she says.

"Ok" so I peel myself up off the couch, green in the face, with BBB looking on, horrified. "This must be serious", I was thinking.

I followed her down to the end of the hall.

She turned around then, straighteners in hand,

"Will you do my hair?"

Give me patience.

After I had a little lie down we went out to Tramore with Mammy and Daddy. BBB was delighted. Then he got a big dirty fish and chips from Dooleys. I didnt get anything, mostly because I will never again eat anything in Tramore for as long as I live after the incident.

On Saturday night it was me brudder's 40th birthday party. Oh lads I was feeling rough. It was touch and go like. I was looking fabliss though, if I do say so meseff. It was a great night though but I had to go straight home afterwards cos I was holdin in the puke.

Sunday 4th April

Went up to Mahon Falls today where there was - and this is no joke - a fish and chip van. I'd say he made a fortune! BBB couldnt cope with all the gorgeous scenery. Here is a lovely picture of us up there:

That's one for the mantelpiece anyway.

We went back to the house then, knackered and starving, to a lovely turkey and ham dinner. Well, I say "turkey and ham dinner", but what I really mean is "brown sauce dinner". I introduced BBB to the joys of brown sauce. He was suitably impressed. We relaxed then at home for the day with two mental kids running around and all my family. It was lovely to be all together. Or nearly all together as the case may be cos my sister Laura wasn't there.

We booked our tickets on the train the next day and got ready to hit the road once again after a lovely few days at home. I had the best time. I really needed to get home even if it was only for a flying visit. BBB did so great with my family, I was so proud to have him as me fella. We spent the next few days in Dublin, but shur ye can read about that on Monday.

Piss off - I'm on me holidays!

Well lads! As ye all know I'm on my lovely holidays in Ireland so if ye came here looking for the usual Monday post ye can piss off - but piss back on Thursday when I'll post it as soon as I get home!

In the meantime, if it's entertainment you're after you might as well have a gawk here, here, or perhaps even here. Think that might cover a bit if something for everyone.

If these don't tickle your fancy though, and you would rather get sucked into a puzzle vortex that will keep you busy until Thursday (and beyond)- here you go! I guarantee you will be losing sleep over where the calipers are. Don't even get me started on the sextant!

I'm having a lovely time on me holidays - BBB is still alive, which is a good sign. Hope ye are all having a good week. Until Thursday lads!

Christian! ('Slater)