Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Week Thirty Six

Monday 21st June

Today I was a very bold girl and I didn't write my blog. I was too busy trying to repress the memory of the incident on the train. You see the thing with my very highly developed brain is that it made the connection between taking a train and terrible things happening so that now every time I have to take the train to work I am literally a quivering mess on the platform and have to block it out the whole way to Milan. No matter how much I try to mind-over-matter it I still gets the heebies jeebies.


Me and my nerves.

On the upside though I am extrmemely smug about the seven stone I lost on my liquid diet in the hospital.

Hee hee.

Tuesday 22nd June

This day last week I got a facebook comment from my American niece who was somewhat bemused my use of her name in week thirty four's blog.

Her name is Mary Bridget.

I'll say no more.

Wednesday 23rd June

When BBB collected me off the train from Milan this evening we were having a nice chat as we came out of the station. A bit of rubbish blew over my ballerina shoed foot.

Hang on a second.

Blew over my foot? That's odd, seeing as there is no such thing as wind in Pavia. Not even a gentle breeze like.

I looked down.

And that's when I saw them.

The cockroaches.

They were EVERYWHERE. Scuttling all over the place, the size of human heads.

"Jesus CHRIST!" I roared, and started jumping all over the place, because there were literally hundreds of them, all over the place, moving at speed towards my little feet.

I'll tell you now lads I've never walked home so fast in my life. Me skin was crawling up the road ahead of me like. Bleurgh!

Thursday 24th June

Ladies and gentlemen, a word about cuntomers.

I love my job, and I loved it when I was doing it in Dublin, but sweet mother of the divine lord sometimes I want to stab people in the face. Today this woman came in and I served her and she bought a few little things. Thanks very much and have a nice day missus. She went out across the road to Sephora. Then she came back and said to the other girl:

"Hiya, I just bought some stuff there and I didn't get any samples."

The other girl was like


"Well can I have some samples?"

I fucking HATE when people ask for samples. ESPECIALLY after they spend 50p and expect you to give them the whole shop for free. Usually I am very generous with samples and demos and all the rest, but if the person isn't very nice and only spends four euro and doesn't say thanks after I spent ages doing every demo in the shop then I am not very inspired to give them loads of free stuff. You see people know you will do demos and all lovely things to them so they just come in to get the royal treatment and then fuck off without so much as a thank you.

So the other girl goes

"Eh, yes here is a sample of one of our lovely soaps, it is made from.."

"No, no, I want some skincare samples."

Now hang the fuck on here.

It is FREE. You do NOT get to choose, you fucking cockeyed wench.

I felt like saying oh you want to choose do you missus?

Well you can choose between this:

or this:

What'll it be?

Friday 25th June

Today meseff and himseff went for lunch cos we were feeling fancy. With my blood levels in mind I ordered the steak.

For the good of my health like.

He ordered pasta.

Silly BBB.

When the lunches came out his looked lovely. But mine was glorious. The steak took up the ENTIRE plate, everyone was looking at it. It was bathing in its own juices.

And I was bathing in my own juices just looking at it.

It was melt in the mouth; so tender, so delicious. Om nom nom.

On the way back from the restaurant we passed a girl that I vaguely know and BBB even vaguelier knows through me. We said well in passing.

"She never says well to me when I am on my own" BBB said.

"I don't know what her problem is, it's not like she has a fanny of gold."

A fanny of gold.

Fire up the bidet.

Saturday 26th & Sunday 27th June

Worky worky work work.

I had a bit of a moment in work. There I was exfoliating someone's arm and giving the spiel when all of a sudden I was struck by a sudden realisation.

I work in Milan. In a shop. In Italian.

When I was little I was stuck to my Mammy's leg and didn't want to go anywhere.

Now I commute to Milan every day and battle my way through the metro, get off and go up the exit stairs into Piazza del Duomo so this is the first thing I see above ground when I get off the metro:

Then I cross the road to the shop where I work all day in Italian without even breaking a sweat.

Then after work I hop on a train home and my gorgeous Italian Stallion who I love so much it's actually disgusting picks me up at the station and we go home to our horrible little hovel.

Lads I have to admit like.

I'm kinda bad ass.

Except for that last bit about the hovel.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Week Thirty Four

Lads now I thought this week was going to be great what with starting my new job and everything falling into place, but you know what they say - he giveth, and he taketh the fuck away.

Monday 7th June

Who gives a flying fionnuala.

Tuesday 8th June

Pales in comparison to the upcoming horror.

Wednesday 9th June

Ooh I'm all excited! Today I get to start my new job in Milan. Got up, did meself up to the nines, headed off on the train. Had some stomach cramps but put it down to being over excited.

Had a great first day, rocked that shit and was going home all smug after my shift. By now the cramps were really strong, but shur I only have to stick it out for 30 minutes on the train and then BBB is waiting for me at the station in Pavia.

One stop. Crampy crampy cramp cramp. Hang in there Jennie girl, only a few more stops to go.

Second stop. Grit the teeth. Grit them!

Third stop. Oh Christ, oh Jesus!


That's the sound of my skull cracking off the ground.


That's the sound of me being dragged off the train onto the platform.


That's the sound of my trousers being unzipped by one of fifty thousand crowder arounders.

Mee maw mee maw mee maw!

That's the sound of the ambulance coming along.

"Christ look at the colour of her!"

That's the sound of the first thing the ambulance man said.

Lads I was terrified. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I only had a few cramps like. Now I was lying on the platform and my hands and legs were seizing up and my face was gone numb. And the cramps, the cramps!

On the way to the ambulance as the ceiling tiles whizzed by the ambulance man looked down at me and said "Are you pregnant?"

"No", I said.

"Oh", he goes.

Oh? Oh??!!! What the fuck does that mean? Now that really scared the shit out of me. All sorts of things started going through my fuzzy head. I was like:

Pleeeeeeeeeease don't let me be having a miscarriage when I didn't even know I was pregnant! Please God let my imaginary baby be ok!

Then I started thinking maybe I was having an ectopic pregnancy like Christina out of Grey's Anatomy.

They took me off to some hospital in Milan. I didn't know me own name, never mind where I was. I couldn't collapse in Pavia like, oh no. I had to do it away from home. Anyway they wheeled me into the emergency room where there were approximately five thousand people and left me on the trolley.

I have never felt so alone or so far away from home in my life.

Some student doctor came over and started asking me questions but my face was still seized up and I couldn't move my mouth to talk. Then they left me on the trolley against the wall.

And lads I was in pain. I was wriggling around the trolley and roaring and screaming. And would you blame me like, I was fucking delirious and my muscles were all spasming. I was fucking terrified.

Then some lovely woman who was there with her Mammy came over and she was like

"Are you in terrible pain love? You poor thing!"

I managed a mangled:

"Please hold my hand."

The she was holding my hand and minding me and her Mammy came over and was rubbing my little feet and kissing my forehead and pinching my cheeks.

Now can we all just take a minute to mentally send out good vibes to these two women.


I thought to myself, thank GOD these two just happened to be here at the same time as me! Then the daughter looked down at me and she said:

"Do you believe in our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ?"

"Eh...yeah", I goes.

What like? I was hardly going to say

"Actually Missus, Jesus and Mary and all the rest of them lads aren't real, they are only symbols of the strength we already have inside ourselves so instead of praying to them for strength you should be looking inside yourself for it."

There's a time and a place, people.

So anyway there I am in some hospital in Milan, half dead on a trolley being minded by some lovely women.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

BBB has been waiting for me at the Pavia train station. He has been calling and calling my phone, which has been dead for hours. My train hasn't come in yet, and there's an announcement:

"The 20.30 train from Milan has been delayed an hour due to a medical emergency."

"Everything is ok", he keeps telling himself.

The train pulls up. A girl gets off.

"Are you waiting for your girlfriend?" she says to him.

Sweat starts rolling down his back.

"I am."

"Is she small and blonde and foreign?"

Mini stroke.

"She is."

"They took her away in an ambulance, she's alright though."

Sprints onto the next train to Milan.

The train departs and the conductor comes along.

Sidenote: conductors are Nazis.

"Where's your ticket, son?"

"That was MY missus that got taken away at Milano Rogoredo!"

"Jesus Christ. She was in a bad way. No problem, boy, no need for a ticket here".

BBB then got off the train at Milano, got the underground to the last stop and then sprinted the 47 miles to the hospital along a field that a road sweeper told him to take as a short cut.

I'm sure his muscles were rippling as he was doing it.

I wouldn't be surprised if he swang on a vine at some point.

Meanwhile the two ladies that were minding me had to go and they took my number and then everyone else in the room stepped up to the plate. My phone was taken out of my handbag and charged, someone rang BBB for me, someone let me use their phone to call one of my clients to drive up to Milano and pick me up. My head was stroked, my cheeks were pinched, my face was kissed, my feet were rubbed.

I was still dying though. And I'll tell you one thing lads, you are NEVER too old to need your Mammy!

The next thing, BBB comes flying around the corner, "Amore!"

I have never been so relieved before in my life.

He looks around.

"Where's the doctor here? Who's in charge? Nurse!"

I fell in love all over again.

Then my client and her husband came in. I love this woman, she is my Italian Mammy. I always say that if anything ever happened to me I'd call her straight away and I did and she drove straight up to get me.

After a few hours of being ignored and being handed a plastic bag to puke into (thanks lads, thanks a mil. Not even a kidney dish like) I thought I felt better so we decided to go home.

BBB brought me home to bed and put his arms around me.

"Go to sleep now Amore it's all over."

Yeah, it was all over, right?


Thursday 10th June

Mother of the divine Lord!

Woke up with unbelievable cramps.

Balled my head off because I was down to work today and I didn't want to give a bad impression but christ like, I could barely stand.

BBB brought me to A&E.

I was seen straight away. They took blood, they x-rayed my stomach, they put me on a drip. The next thing the (smokin hot) doctor busts in.

"Jesus girl I don't know how you're standing, you have no feckin haemoglobin, you need a blood transfusion. BBB - go home and pack her bag, she will be here a few days."

No! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Ok let me explain.

I am the ultimate world's most squeamish person. I have no problem with injections, they are grand. Giving blood however, I can't even think or talk about it and I have to sit down. Drips as well. Rotten. Blood transfusions? Look, I'm grand, I'll just die, thanks.

So BBB went home to get my things and I'm not ashamed to say lads, I had a little cry on the chair. It was just all too much like. Far away from home, collapsing on the train, the whole ambulance thing, blood transfusion. Enough like, I'm supposed to be prancing around Lush rubbing cream into people's arms right now.

So then the ambulance man came to take me to my room. I stumbled up the hall anyway with cartoon birdies flying around my head and this young fella in a white coat goes,

"Here she is now! She's pale, but she's on her feet!"

They took me to my room. I faceplanted on the bed.

The young fella is my doctor. He tells me he is the same age as me. I don't know how I feel about this. The male nurse comes in to give me an ECG. There is a booby show. I silently thank God for my perfectly formed mammaries.

Then I am whisked away for 47 thousand tests in quick succession. One of them is a TAC where it's the scan yoke where they inject you with contrast fluid. Of course now I don't know anything about these things, so I didn't know the contrast fluid is hot. First it burned the fucking hand off me and I roared with the fright. Then it went down me main artery into my groin and it was all hot and it happened so fast I thought I was after weeing on myself!

I was lying there like "Oh Christ when I get up now I hope there's not a big wet patch on the table - morto!" But then the nurse came in and goes "did that burn the bod off you girl? It's roastin alright"

Thank fuck.

Then after 42 squillion more tests they brought me back to the room and put me on a 7 thousand drips. BBB slept in the plastic chair with his head on the pillow next to mine. I was awake all night with my head turned away from the drip, so as to avoid projectile vomiting.

Friday 11th June

Had to battle my way to the loo, wheeling the drip along with me, and subsequently mangling it past the cleaning trolley that was parked in the door of the loo.

And lo! Mother Nature's Monthly Gift! What joy! What fun!

Go back to the room anyway with my "I-just-got-mother-nature's-monthly-gift-now-you-have-to-feel-sorry-for-me-for-5-days" look on my face.

"Ah love, did you get your menstruation?" he goes. "Into the bed now til I mind ya".

A short while after the nurse comes in.

"Signorina you are booked for a gyno visit at half one."

Kill me.

I count the seconds til half one.

They wheel me away past the pregnancy clinic. Loads of pregnant knackers are lurking around with their fat knacker impregnators, gawkin up into my face. We get to the waiting room and they leave me in there with pregnant starers. Gawkin up into my face and talking about me overright me, discussing all the drip yokes stickin out of me and the gauze taped to my arms in the seventeen places they took blood from between yesterday and today.

If I wasn't half dead I'd say somthing smart.

The next thing the doctor comes in "Jennifer, you're with me."

Of course it's man.

Of course it is like.

Anyway we go into the room which is a room within a room. The door of the inner room is open. Obviously I assume this is because the outer door is locked and guarded by fire breathing dragons so I assume the position and he gets down to doing what he does best.

Then next thing some wan walks in.

"Giovanni boy I don't know what the fuck I did with that box of gloves I had earlier, well Missus how are ya" she goes and starts rooting in some drawer.

Eh....hello like? Bit of privacy like?

While she is rooting in the drawer another wan walks in "That file is out there on the table for you. I'm going to the shop do you want anything? Howeyeh Missus." she says to us, so close to my undercarriage that it nearly had an echo.

Lads. Come on now. Italians just take the biscuit with this kind of shit. They really don't give a fuck about privacy or anything like that.

Then we went into another room for part deux. "Lep up there Ms. Jack-es" he goes, pointing to a stirruped bed in front of an open window. Just an open window like, looking out onto Pavia. Hang on til I whip out Fifi now to make friends with a passing builder.

Afterwards anyway he said all is perfect and well in my lady garden, thank god. I was lovely and relieved then so when they took me back to my room I went for a nice nap with BBB minding me.

So just a tangent here people: THIS is the reason why I always wear nice matching underwear and have my lady garden perfect at all times. Because you never know when some strange man is going to put a probe up your Mary Bridget. My mother laughs at me and tells me I am obsessed and have a problem with the whole matching lovely underwear thing but at the end of the day when I was lying on the train platform and they opened my trousers I didn't give a shite because I knew I was wearing something fabulous. Ladies: let this be a lesson to ye!

Anyway then they gave me antibiotics and I slept like a dead body in the bed.

Saturday 12th June

Yesssss! I get to go home today! I had an infection in my intestines but it seems to be gettin better and my bloods are back up to normal levels. BBB comes to get me and I hobble home down the road.

There is nothing like getting back into your own bed lads.

Now can we just take a moment to reflect on how amazing BBB has been through all this. He never left my side for a second and he fought for me to get the best reatment the whole way. He held my little feet and told me I was the most beautiful woman in the world even when I was cockeyed in the bed with a big unwashed head on me.

God he really loves me.

And I really love him.

Despite all the terrible things that happened this week, I am one lucky bitch.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Week Thirty Three

Monday 31st May

It's another gorgeous day in Pavia so meseff and himseff head out onto the grass to do a bit of study. After lunch I enjoyed a nice fruit salad and by then it was too hot to go back outside so we took our positions on the bed and continued studying there.

All was well until I felt a certain activity going on in my innards. Something untoward was definitely brewing. All of a sudden it was like my whole insides went into spasm and I had the worst cramps I have ever had in my life.

"Oooooooooooooooooow!" I was screeching.

"Jesus, what's wrong Love?" says he.

"I am not joking you I have some cramp!" said I, while contorting myself into every position of the Karma Sutra, trying to make myself feel better when finally:


A little mini whisper fart.

I couldn't describe the relief.

"Oh thank God, I feel so much better", said I, and lay back down in my position, grateful that there was no smell.

No smell on my end of the bed.

"Oh MADONNA, Amore!" he roars, "Go into the toilet or something!"

"Stop being a drama queen BBB, there's no sm....oh christ that's bad!"

What can I say lads? Fruit salad is a bitch like that.

Then he was like sniffing the air going "ewwwwwwwwwww! bleuuuuuuuurgggggghhhhhhh!"

"Here's an idea!", I goes, "stop fucking sniffing it then!"

"I'm not sniffing it, I have to breathe like", he goes, all indignant.

What has the world come to when you can't even fart in peace in your own home?

Tuesday 1st June

Now it's no secret that I have fallen into the black hole of depression. Generally when this sort of carry on happens I think it's a great idea to stuff my face for a few weeks and get really fat. Surely that will lift my sullen mood, like. Anyway, I have been stuffing my face all the time lately and have not been running so you can only imagine the size of me.

Oonga boonga.

Today however, something happened to lift the oul depression. In fact it blew the depression out of the water.

Before Easter I handed my CV into Lush in Milano. I LOVE Lush stuff and I worked there for a year in Dublin so I thought, imagine now if I could work in a lovely shop that I love and do it in Italian? Double whammy of deadliness like. I know some Lush shops can be annoying because there are some serious knob ends working in some of them but the one I was working in was lovely and relaxed.

Anyway I never heard anything from them so I thought I didn't tickle their fancy. After all I'm only trilingual with a year's experience in the same company like.

Wait for it...

Last week they rang me to come in and do an interview and some demos and I have to say now lads I rocked it. I fucked up once or twice on a bit of grammar but I did a deadly demo and I had them in the knots with my wit and charm. Sure you know the way you'd be like. When you're witty and charming like.

Anyway they rang me today and offered me a one year contract.

I did a little dance.

So yeah, I'm staying here for another year.

This solves so many problems for me, because I was all depressed and up in a heap the last few weeks (did you guess?) because I was worried about next year. I felt like my Italian had reached a plateau and I wasn't learning anything new, like I was only using the Italian I already knew and I was all pissed off over it. Plus Eddie says no to college next year.

But now that I have the job I will learn so much so fast. I will constantly be out of my comfort zone so I will have to push myself hard.

Working in there I will be fairly close to fluent by the time the year is up and I can return to finish my degree like a smug fluent bitch with my thesis done and all my (two) classmates will hate me and want me to die. Hee hee.

AND I can save like a mofo and all my financial worries will be over for my last year in college!

Lads I feel so relieved I couldnt even describe it to ye.

I feel like someone just handed me a second chance on a silver plate.

And I'm taking the hand an' all off them.

Wednesday 2nd June

Woke up this morning and wasn't feeling great so I said I'd try and sleep it off. My hayfever has really been ruining my life lately. Nothing I take works so I am constantly snotting and sneezing and my brain always needs to be scratched and I can't remember the last time I had a lovely sleep cos I'm up all night snotting into a cotton knickers cos I have no hanky and tissues have my nose ripped to shreds.

That's a trick I learned from Mammy. When you are at home sick with a cold always use a nice soft cotton knickers or somesuch to blow your nose so you won't destroy your face. Well I think I left it go a bit far before I switched to the knickers, cos not only is my nose raw and bleeding, but me top lip is like a barren desert.

Anyway as a result of never sleeping I'm always knackered so I thought if I tried to have a mini sleep I would feel better.


Somehow all the snot inside my head formed like a kind of bubble on the inside of my skull and started pushing against the front of my face and the top of my head. The pressure and the pain was unreal! BBB came home and drugged me up to the last and I finally felt better. About two hours later he goes:

"How are you feeling now love?"

"Much better after that Aulin", I goes.

"Ah you only needed to see me to feel better didnt you?"

"Ah yeah."

Nothing to do with the industrial strength painkillers you gave me like.

Thursday 3rd May

We had the washing machine booked for today so we were sorting the things that need to be washed. Being a woman, I was separating whites from coloureds and so on.

"What are you doing?" BBB asked me.

"You can't wash coloureds with whites", I answered.

"Oh yes you can!" he said, producing a little red box "with Grey's colour catchers!"

I just looked at him. I was expecting Barry Scott to jump out from under the bed and Cillit Bang a penny for me. You can't be having your pennies going around dull now.

"No I don't trust those things", I said, but he assured me he used them every time so I reluctantly put my few whites and pales into the laundry hamper.

Two hours later, when he brought the stuff back up, I was folding everything to put it away and I noticed that not everything was pink, or even grey. No, thanks to his orange bathrobe everything was a lovely pissy yellow colour.

All my little white vests were a lovely hue of pisswater. All his white t shirts however, somehow came out cream coloured, ie totally wearable.

Jammy bastard.

Friday 4th June

This is what happened last night.

INT. apartment. Late afternoon. Laura is sitting at a table watching Glee. The phone rings.


Laura: Hello?

Jen: Well girl how's yourself?

Laura: (In American accent) I'm graaaaaand, what's up?

I love when she says all my little Irish Jennie things in her American accent. Highlight of my life: when she said "shur God love him".

Jen: Are we doing anything this weekend?

Laura: Nope.

Jen: Will we go to Ireland tomorrow?

Laura: What?

Jen: Yeah fuck it come on will we go?

Laura: Yeah! On my God let's go!

Jen: We're mad so we are!

And that's how meseff and herseff went to Ireland today.

I didn't realise until we were on the road though how much I really wanted to go home. How much I wanted to just be in my parent's house and be minded a little bit.

Daddy was waiting for us at the train station.

Now lads there is something about Daddies that makes my heart hurt a small bit. So when I saw my lovely Daddy I burst out crying and snotting up into his face.

How unlike me, usually I only cry in private because I am very proud. Even when I was small and fell in the playground in school I kept it in boy. I never wanted anyone to see me crying ever. The second I got home though, all bets were off. I don't know how my mother didn't "bate" me.

Anyway I don't know why I was so emotional when I saw Daddy. Probably because I was down innthe dumps for so long and now suddenly everything is going grand again I was so delighted. Went home to find Mammy and my niece Lily and my little dog were waiting at the end of the drive for me. Any lump in me throat, nah? Then Hazel brought my number one man in the whole world, my nephew Jack out to see me and shur I was made up.

Had a great night, meseff and Laura were stuck to the telly. Meseff and BBB dont have a telly in our house and Laura only has a baby one so imagine how lovely it was to watch a nice bit of Four Weddings in English. Top notch lads.

Saturday 5th June

Today meseff and Laura headed into the sprawling metropolis of Waterford and raped Penneys.

Then right, on our way home we passed The Open Door and I said, I'll just run in here a sec because they usually have some nice pieces.

Sure enough, I found an out of this world top and I went in to try it on. I pulled my top up over my head and hung it on the hanger and was just putting the other top over my head when I looked up.

At the security camera over the dressing room looking directly down on me.

Jesus I didn't know what to think!

The first thing that came into my mind was some perv sitting in the back room watching me try on a top. But I just said what harm shur there is no point getting upset over it. After all my breasticles are nothing short of majestic.

But now it's playing on my mind a small bit.

The camera was one of those ones that's in a bubble. So you dont know which way it's pointing. But just having it over the changing room. Christ like. There's something amiss there.

Sunday 6th June

Today we went out to Mahon Falls and had a pickernic.

Daddy tried to make me fall over by making me look up at the mountaintop while I was walking and then he did and he fell.

Then we went out to Tramore and we were up the Doneraile where there is an old cannon. We took forty seven million pictures of all of us on top of it and I was holding the camera and I said:

"Jesus we are getting out money's worth out of this cannon!"

and then Daddy pointed at the camera and goes

"Oh is that a Canon?"


Why aren't there bidets in Ireland?